tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22900331065018504362024-03-13T15:13:48.805-04:00Random Thoughts from a Random GuyDavehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.comBlogger71125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-2736557752489543052014-10-01T19:55:00.000-04:002014-10-01T19:55:03.987-04:00Have A Nice Flight!
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">Everybody loves
vacation!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really, that’s what we
work for, isn’t it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To scratch and
save some of our hard earned money for an opportunity to escape reality for
just a little while?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For most of
us with the “work to live, not live to work” mindset, those 2 to 3 weeks each
year where we get to enjoy not working are the best 2 to 3 weeks of our
year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s as good as it gets,
really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other 95% of our year
sucks!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh there will be plenty who
will say they enjoy working, or that may try and take the politically correct high
road and say you need to enjoy each day to the fullest, but deep down, we all
know they’re lying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stop lying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stop lying to yourself, you’re not
fooling anyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really, when it
all boils down, life is quite simple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Work sucks, vacations are awesome... and then you die.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">Due to the
unfortunate reality that we only get to truly enjoy 5% of our time, where
that’s all we have in terms of availability for vacations, when you do finally
save up enough money to take one, you want to enjoy it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean you REALLY want to enjoy
it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The thoughts and excitement of
that upcoming vacation can get you through months of monotonous and aggravating
work, the carrot dangling at the end of the stick that gives you just enough
motivation to get out of bed each morning, and do it all over again the next
day, and the day after that, and the day after that, etc…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">While some are
fortunate enough to travel several times a year, others can only afford to
travel once every few years, if that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s not fair, but that’s the way it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s reality, and as we all know, reality sucks, which is
why we want that vacation so bad in the first place!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Vacations are the escape!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, recreational use of drugs and alcohol may come in
handy in between vacations, but vacations… that’s where it’s at!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So when the day finally comes, when
your bags are packed, and you head off to the airport for your much awaited
opportunity to not have to work for a week, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to
have high hopes and expectations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You’ve earned this!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean,
you’ve REALLY earned this!! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">Of course in
order to travel to your destination of choice, to minimize the travel time and
maximize the fun, you must often fly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We all watch the television commercials, where airlines show off their
spacious interiors, filled with happy, smiling people, who look oh so
comfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We want to be those
people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve worked hard to be
those people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve paid a lot of
money to be those people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can’t
wait to be those people! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">Airline
television commercials unfortunately are no different than fast-food hamburger
commercials, where the companies have spent gobs and gobs of money to make
their product look incredibly delicious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In reality, airline travel is the hamburger that you really get.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not the delicious television
hamburgers, no, the real ones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Where the pickles are falling out, the sesame seed bun is rock hard, and
there’s sauce squirting out everywhere!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">Airlines have it
all wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our comfort is not
their top priority.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our experience
has been sacrificed so that they can make a few extra dollars.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re not customers, we’re cattle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And not the happy cattle out at pasture
either, chomping away carelessly on grass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, we’re the cattle jammed into the back of a semi trailer
rocketing down the highway with some other cow’s poop on our leg, on the way to
God knows where.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The moment you
set foot in the airport, you know this isn’t going to be good.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">Despite having
to provide ample advanced information online to “help speed up the process”, we
still end up waiting in long lines.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s why they ask us to be there up to 3 hours in advance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We line up for our boarding pass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We line up to drop off our
luggage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, I have to pay you
another $50 per bag for the privilege of flying on your airline?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gee thanks!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I haven’t spent enough money already, and I’m not
even on the plane yet!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We line up
for security.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We walk through
those fancy new X-Ray machines where they pretty much get to see us naked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Okay, I don’t know if that’s true, but
I just imagine there are people somewhere in a dark room watching us,
snickering away as they eat a bag of potato chips.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We spend good money on bad food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We wait in over-crowded areas with screaming babies, not
enough seating, and weird foreigners until we can board the plane.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are we having fun yet?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did we really pay money for this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We re-assure ourselves that it will all
be worth it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yup… it will all be
worth it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">When they
finally announce that it’s time to board the airplane, we breathe a sigh of
relief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We feel that our vacation
can finally begin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We finally get
our chance to be one of those happy, smiling people that we see in those
television commercials.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ahhhh….
this is going to be fantastic!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
life of luxury awaits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They call
our row number, scan our ticket, and we make our way down the long jetway to
the airplane.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Upon entering the airplane
however, we notice that something isn’t quite right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We see a long line of people ahead of us, all jockeying for position,
trying to shove their oversized carry-on bags into the overhead bins.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh I get it, they didn’t want to pay
the $50 checked luggage fee, so they thought they’d beat the system and make
their needs more important than everyone else’s by taking up the space of three
normal sized carry-on bags by jamming in their one enormous hockey bag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thanks so much, that’s very considerate
of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too bad those 15 airline
representatives you passed along the way didn’t happen to notice, or perhaps couldn’t
be bothered to enforce the maximum carry-on size regulations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s just lovely.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">As you slowly
make your way down the aisle, you can’t help but notice… hey, nobody’s
smiling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This isn’t like the
commercials.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This isn’t like the
commercials at all!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You place your
carry-on bag in the compartment 4 rows in front of your actual seats, as you
can see that the compartment above your seats is already overflowing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You squeeze yourself into your seat, realize
you’re sitting on your seat belt which you’ll shortly need to dig out, and then
for those choosing to place their carry-on bag underneath the seat in front of
them, due to the extremely limited space you contort yourself into strange and
awkward positions in an attempt to cram your bag far enough under the seat that
you won’t be harassed by the flight attendants as they walk by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With any luck, that muscle you just pulled
in your back will heal by the time you land.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you’re over 5’-10” tall, your knees are jammed into the
back of the seat in front of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
pain is tolerable, but it’s pain nonetheless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s hot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
some reason the air conditioning never seems to work properly when the plane is
on the ground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the air you
sometimes get a polar vortex blast of cold air, but on the ground,
nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You fumble to reach that
little pinhole that sprays warm air in the general vicinity of where you’re
sitting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A bead of sweat slowly
makes its way down the side of your face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">Sitting
uncomfortably in your cramped seat, you wait, and watch the chaos all around
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You secretly pray that the
woman holding the crying baby walking towards you in the aisle is not sitting
behind you, or that the 300lb man a few people behind her doesn’t have a ticket
for the seat right next to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can
you smell that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who smells like
cigarette butts and curry? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope
those stinky people aren’t sitting anywhere near me either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re going to be in close quarters
with these people for the next few hours, so understandably and shamelessly,
you have every right to hope for the best.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">Once everyone
eventually finds their seats, and you’ve determined that your seatmates are
moderately tolerable, there’s a moment of calm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That pinhole of warm air still washing across your face, you
watch the flight attendants walk up and down the aisles checking to ensure your
seat is in the upright position, that your seatbelts are securely fastened, and
that your carry-on baggage is safely stowed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They do the little presentation skit about the safety
features on the aircraft, demonstrate how to use the seatbelt for anyone not
intelligent enough to have figured that out already, and pretend to blow into a
deflated life vest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nobody
watches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re all still partially
squirming around trying to figure out which seating position is most
comfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">The airplane slowly
taxis to the runway, and after waiting for a few airplanes ahead of us to take
off, it’s our turn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our heart
beats a little faster, and despite the annoyances that have occurred thus far,
the excitement of knowing that we’re leaving for vacation quickly returns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The throttle engaged, we feel the roaring
thrust of the jet engines, and sink deep into our seats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nose of the airplane gently rises,
and within moments we are airborne, watching the tiny cars of those less
fortunate souls down below, on their way to or from work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We smile, knowing we’re not one of
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most days we are, but not
today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because vacation!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">Reaching the
desired flight altitude, the airplane levels and the seatbelt sign turns off,
indicating that while you should still wear your seatbelt at all times, it is
now safe to turn on your electronic devices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ahhhh… we’re on our way… we’re on vacation… nothing to do
but enjoy the ride.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a few hours
we’ll reach our destination, and all will be right in the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your eyes closed, you listen to your
headphones, as your mind wanders in anticipation of the sheer awesomeness that awaits
upon your arrival.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your escape
from reality, your well deserved break from all the responsibilities and
frustration that you experience on a daily basis, the moment you have been
waiting for, that you have worked so hard to obtain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alas, that moment of bliss does not last long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OUCH!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>YOU LITTLE MOTHER F*&KER!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That 5ft nothing asshole in front of you suddenly reclines
their seat directly into your unsuspecting knees!!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You selfish son of a bitch!!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">Nothing
irritates me more than those who recline their seats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With how closely airlines have crammed the seats together,
space is already limited enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Severely limited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A complete
lack of space.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sardines come to
mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But come on people, we’re
all in this together; let’s try to make this work!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t recline my seat, ever, all for the greater
good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want to put the
person behind me in a less comfortable situation, and I expect the same from
the person in front of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
called courtesy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s why it
drives me absolutely up a wall bat-shit crazy when the shorter person in the
seat in front of me puts their needs before mine, and without any regard to my
comfort, reclines their seat into my space.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The seat doesn’t even recline that far, offering minimal
additional comfort to those selfish few, but results in maximum discomfort for
the person behind, whose already severely limited space just got that much
smaller, and that much more uncomfortable. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">I’m 6’-4”
tall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I acknowledge I am slightly
above average height, I’m by no means a giant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I barely fit in the seat as it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the time I get off an airplane, I have indents in my
knees that won’t go away for another two days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Flying is not comfortable for me, but I do it anyway because
I love travelling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let me clarify,
I love travelling for the foreign destinations, not the actual act of
travelling to those destinations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m very fortunate to have the opportunity to travel several times a
year, with most trips requiring air travel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For some reason though, without fail, I always end up with a
“recliner” in front of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nobody
else within eyesight reclines their seat, except for the person in front of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why is it always me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This triggers something in me that I’m
not proud of, but it’s a truth I must face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The moment the person in front of me reclines their seat, I
turn into an irate 12 year old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’ve
made me extremely uncomfortable, so you better believe I am going to do the
same to them!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">I dig my knees
into the back of their chair and violently nudge them forward, repeatedly, to
the point where I can see them physically being tossed about, head snapping
forwards and backwards with each blow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>With their reclined inconsiderate heads practically resting in my lap, I
blow into their hair, and breathe on them; fog up their glasses, trying to
demonstrate that by reclining their seat, the back of their head is barely 12
inches from the front of mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are
you comfortable?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope not,
because neither am I!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll order a
carbonated beverage from the flight attendant for no other reason than to
generate burps, which I can then aim in the direction of their nasal cavity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pull out a single strand of errant hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All very immature, I know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like I said, I’m not proud of my
actions, but despite the un-approving glances from my wife sitting next to me,
using her slightly muffled angry voice directing me to stop, I can’t help
myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is war.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The onslaught continues, because hey,
I’m not going anywhere, and I’ve got nothing but time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The tantrum ceases only upon the seats
return to its upright position, which usually does eventually happen when they
realize this isn’t going to stop, and we exchange the customary dirty looks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I shouldn’t do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t like that I do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the environment created by the
airlines that has brought this out in me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">I get it, we all
have the ability to recline our seats, and I could just as easily do the same,
but just because we can do something, doesn’t mean we should.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only, and I mean <u>only</u>,
exception to this rule is when you’re on an overnight flight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is the only time reclining your
seat should be permitted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s
an etiquette to airline travel, or at least there should be, where we all work
together to minimize the discomfort and aggravation to the collective group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s easy to be selfish, but we must
all think of the greater good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
those few hours, we should be able to make reasonable efforts to ensure our
actions do not negatively impact those around us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The airlines do not do this for us, in fact they seem to
intentionally stack the cards against us as though there are hidden television
cameras placed throughout the cabin and we’re all on some sort of twisted
reality program where viewers at home watch dysfunctional human interaction as
it’s finest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the more reason
for us, airline passengers, to take it upon ourselves to optimize the flying
experience for all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">Don’t bring
smelly food onto the airplane.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Keep your children under control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t kick the seat in front of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t recline your seat into the person’s lap behind
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t encroach upon your
neighbour’s limited personal space in any way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t speak loudly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t nudge each seat while walking through the aisle to the
lavatory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t take your shoes
off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t wear overpowering
cologne or perfume on the day of the flight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be patient.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t drink too much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
you have a small bladder, don’t drink at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t get in the way of the flight attendants during drink
service.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t stand in the aisle
to stretch in a position that places your ass within inches of anyone’s
face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t clip your fingernails
or toenails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t repeatedly
remove/return articles from your carry-on in the overhead compartment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Basically, the more still you can be,
the more silent you can be, and the more invisible you can be, to the point
where people hardly realize you’re even there, the better.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">Eventually you
do reach your destination, the airplane lands, you taxi to your arrival gate,
and chaos once again ensues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Despite clear instructions to remain in your seats with your seatbelts
on until the seatbelt sign is turned off, people once again show how stupid
they really are by standing up to retrieve their overhead carry-on baggage
ahead of everyone else, or trying to get to the lavatory one last time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is absolutely no reason why
getting off the plane should be difficult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just be patient, follow the etiquette of letting those in
front of you out of their seats first, and generally remain calm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eventually the herd thins, and you make
your way off the plane, thank the flight attendants only because they said
thank you first and you don’t want to be rude, walk the jetway one more time,
and try to find faces you recognize from the flight that you can follow down to
the luggage pick-up area.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">The luggage
pick-up area however is another area where human nature is not exactly at its
finest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve all heard about or
experienced the joys of the airlines losing our luggage, but for the most part
the luggage does tend to arrive without incident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For some reason though, many people feel the need to gather
several rows deep right at the location where the conveyor belt shoots out the
luggage onto the carousel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
then push their way violently through the crowd upon seeing their suitcase, punting
women and small children aside as though someone’s going to steal it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why not spread out?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s plenty of room, just take a
deep breath, relax, and let your luggage come to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The luggage carousel was designed for that single
purpose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will bring your bags
right to where you are standing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No
need to push.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No need to jockey
for position.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nobody’s going to
steal your precious t-shirts and socks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We all want to ensure we retrieve our own suitcase, and make it a habit
to check the luggage tags before leaving the airport, so the chances of someone
walking off with your suitcase are very slim.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If this is something that you really lose sleep over, just
buy a funky design/colour suitcase.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There are plenty designs to choose from.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rest assured, nobody wants your weird giraffe print
suitcase.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">Really, you
don’t get a chance to relax until you physically leave the airport.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s when the vacation can really
begin, when all the worries and stresses just melt away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ahhh… vacation… the best days of the
year, the memories that last a lifetime, the good times that make up for the
bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are the days you’ll look
back on when you’re older and cherish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Enjoy it as much as you can, because before you know it, you’re back to
the airport, back on the airplane, and back to reality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dammit.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-92143869740924536282014-03-21T17:57:00.000-04:002014-03-21T17:57:44.964-04:00Concert Etiquette 101
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">With the summer
concert season quickly approaching, it’s time for a little reminder on a few
topics that can make or break the concert-going experience.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-CA">1)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>Standing
vs. Sitting</u>:</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As an
audience, this one is our responsibility to determine as early on in the
concert as possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Based on the
band and the type of music they play, this decision is usually easy, but there
are rare occasions where it can be a little dicey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As we listen to the first song, it is perfectly acceptable
to test the waters, and we’ll often see a mix of sitters and standers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That first song sets the tone for the
entire show, and in the case of concerts, the majority rules.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In most cases standing is preferred, as
standing lends itself better to dancing, and hey, you’re at a concert not a
biology lecture, so it only makes sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some bands however are more low key, or maybe draw a different audience
demographic, where sitting down is the preferred method of maximizing one’s
enjoyment level.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you find
yourself attending a “sit down concert”, and if by the second song you are the
only one standing, you can be sure that everyone behind you has assigned you a
new nickname:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Asshole!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">2)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>Dancing</u>:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a concert goer, you
are well within your rights to dance till your heart’s content.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With all the excitement, music,
atmosphere, friends, booze, etc… that summer concerts provide, dancing is
naturally an expectation, and adds to the overall enjoyment of the
experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Granted, there are
often those who are not quite comfortable enough to dance, or perhaps were
dragged to the show with friends, and just aren’t into the band in the same way
you are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s okay too, all
types are always welcome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
here’s the thing, regardless of which category you fall under, we’ve all paid
the same money to attend the concert, thus temporarily granting us rights over
the 2 square feet of real estate within which our assigned seat sits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If your dancing style frequently
involves arm flailing, leg kicking, hip shaking or full body fluctuations that
extend beyond your 2 square feet, thus encroaching into your neighbour’s 2
square feet, you can be assured that your neighbour is cursing the night your
parents had sex, spawning such an inconsiderate bastard such as yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be respectful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re all there to have a good time,
just make sure your good time doesn’t take away from someone else’s good time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">3)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>Beach
Balls, Glow Sticks, and other Projectiles</u>:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What brain malfunction exists in some
people that makes bringing projectiles to a concert that can be thrown at the band
and other concert-goers seem like a good idea?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Taking an unexpected beach ball off the back of the head in
the middle of a song throws you off and takes your attention away from the
stage momentarily, thereby creating a minor dip in your enjoyment-meter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Taking an unexpected glow stick to the
back of your head can actually hurt, and requires a great deal of mental and
physical restraint as you try to lower your blood pressure and combat your rage
before inevitably turning into the Incredible Hulk and going on a rampage to
find the idiot who threw it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
concert-goers, we should be permitted to “Code Red” these offenders without
consequence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How else are they
going to learn, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">4)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>Shouting
Song Requests</u>:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everybody has their favourite song.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe you danced to this song at your
wedding, maybe the lyrics have some special meaning to you, or maybe you just
love the beat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For whatever your
personal reasons, it’s totally acceptable to go to a concert hoping to hear a
specific song.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In most cases
however, the setlist decided upon by the band has been pre-determined well in
advance of your arrival.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
shouting a song title at the top of your lungs from anywhere beyond the third
row is not going to be heard by the band.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sorry, but they simply can’t hear you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But you know who CAN hear you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>EVERYONE AROUND YOU!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We have just as much control over the setlist as you do, so screaming a
song title to us over and over and over again is not going to change anything,
other than our opinion of you!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
please, do us all a favour and SHUT THE F&#K UP!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">5)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u>Signs</u>:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you go to a
concert, you know that the likelihood of a partially obstructed view is strong,
given the various shapes and sizes that we human beings possess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m 6’- 4” tall, and am very
self-conscious about that fact while at a concert, especially one where
everyone is standing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know this
requires those behind me to lean slightly to one side or the other, therefore I
restrict my concert dancing to more of a forward and backward style, as opposed
to side to side, which would only lead to further aggravation of those
unfortunate enough to be behind me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I stay within my 2 square feet, and try my best to ensure I don’t make
the situation any worse for them than it already is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to give them the best chance to see the stage as I
can, as happy neighbours only enhance the concert-going experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s often challenging enough to see
the stage at the best of times, but if you’re one of those people who bring
what looks like a grade 3 art project on a 2ft by 3ft sheet of cardboard into
the concert, and consistently wave it above your head, you may as well have
just parked a transport trailer in front of all those behind you!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That in my mind is the ultimate sign of
disrespect for everyone around you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>DON’T DO THAT!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">At the end of the day, it all comes down to
respect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Respect for the band, and
respect for those who have shelled out just as much money as you have to attend
that concert.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re all in this
together, and we all want to have an amazing time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be cognizant that concerts are a group experience, and that
your actions do have a direct impact on others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please don’t do things that you know will take away from
other people’s enjoyment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
simple really; just treat others like you’d like to be treated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Enjoy the show!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-20209688875104886932013-02-18T08:18:00.001-05:002013-02-18T08:20:02.527-05:00Little Drummer Boy<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Whilst sitting at a stoplight, I had the immense privilege of witnessing the most epic display of air drumming ever performed from someone driving a Honda Accord. His suit and tie said one thing, but his intense arm motions and thrashing dreads told a whole other story. There was more to this man than met the eye. Inhibitions long gone, held back only by his seat belt, the car bouncing to the beat. In the summer months, this display of raw aggression would have undoubtedly caused a full body sweat, but taking advantage of the February cold, the performance raged on. Alas, the light eventually turned green, eliminating any hopes of an encore.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span>Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-50519145561183936832013-01-25T18:00:00.001-05:002013-01-25T18:00:10.638-05:00The Splatter Argument
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Okay, let's settle this. Ladies, here’s a little test for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> All you need is a mop bucket and a garden hose. Ready? Let's go outside!</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Once outside, try to find a nice dry area on your
driveway or patio.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take the empty bucket,
place it on the ground, and using the garden hose, fill it roughly half way with water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Is the ground around the bucket still dry? Good. Now, with the water turned off, s</span>tand approximately 1ft behind the bucket, and
hold the end of the hose a little over 3ft from the ground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Aim</span> the hose at the bucket. While you’re standing there, have someone turn the hose on for 15 seconds.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">So, how’d you do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Is the ground around the bucket still dry? </span>Not so easy afterall, huh.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Case closed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-67742930514158463822013-01-21T19:44:00.002-05:002013-01-21T19:44:53.566-05:00Religion & Ray Lewis
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I haven’t attended church in a really long
time, but I am a member, and do remain loyal and respectful to the message and
beliefs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spent my childhood
years in Sunday School, and if all that stuff they say turns out to be true, you
better believe I want a key to the front door of Heaven!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it isn’t, well, no harm done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Religion can be a touchy subject, I get
that, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to share my thoughts on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems like everyone else is, so why
can’t I?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Everywhere you go nowadays you’re faced
with over-bearing Bible-thumpers singing the praises of God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Professional sporting events are
becoming insanely religious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did
anyone watch the Ray Lewis spectacle during the Ravens vs. Patriots game Sunday
night?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How ridiculous was
that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even God must have been
rolling His eyes at times, muttering under His breath “Oh Me!” in disgust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Laying it on a little thick there Mr.
Lewis, don’t you think?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s a
big difference in my mind between being a Christian, and the nonsense we’re
forced to endure from those who have taken things a little too far.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I don’t attend weekly church services
because I don’t feel it’s necessary to constantly remind myself of something I
already believe in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, by no
means do I hold anything against those that do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe religion is an extremely personal thing, and that
each person has the right to practice their faith in a manner in which they
feel is appropriate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If everybody
did that, and just kept it to themselves, we’d all be fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s once people take their personal
beliefs and try to force them onto others where I take issue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This isn’t helping promote a positive
image of religion, and in fact to the contrary, is exactly what is turning a
lot of people off!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you really
think there were millions of people watching Ray Lewis last night on his hands
and knees weeping and screaming God’s name, thinking to themselves, “Now there’s
a guy that’s got it all together, how do I join?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I do not need people littering my front porch,
or knocking at my door while I’m trying to eat dinner, wanting to hand me
pamphlets and teach me about all the benefits I’ll get by joining their
group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have a passion for
recruiting members and getting them to believe what you believe, join the armed
forces or a cult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not need
musicians mindlessly thanking God every opportunity they get, just because it’s
the “in” thing to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> You won a Grammy Award? Well isn't that special... I'm sure God's up there somewhere saying "You're welcome!". </span>I do not
need to watch awkward football players huddled up and saying their prayers,
surrounded by television cameras and microphones, with half the guys only there
because they feel they have to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You could have just as easily done that in the privacy of the locker
room, but no, you wanted to do it where everybody could see you, because I guess God
hears your prayers better when you’re in front of a crowd.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Give me a break!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can’t say the God’s Prayer in
school anymore, but if you turn on the television nowadays, you’re faced with
more expressions of religion than ever before!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somewhere along the way, this whole religion thing seems to
have developed a life of its own, and all the while poor Jesus is over there in the corner
looking down at his sandals thinking “Hey everybody!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remember Me?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I think I’m living a good life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m doing it right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m polite to others, respectful, and
treat them the way I want to be treated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I try to help those in need whenever there’s an opportunity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to promote happiness, and
generally try to have a positive influence on those around me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t need to bother anyone with
public displays of my beliefs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
strongly as you may believe in what you want to believe in, there’s someone
else that believes just as strongly in something else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can’t all be right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or maybe we’re all wrong, and the
aliens are just looking down at us shaking their heads, wondering how they'll ever fix
this mess they’ve created.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have my own beliefs, but I don’t
know who’s right, and neither do you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you go to church 7 days a week, or carry a Bible with you at all
times, does that make you a better person than me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think so. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">As with most things, it’s all about
moderation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So if you’re one of
those Bible-thumping exhibitionists that are more about self-promotion than the
promotion of God, just knock it off already!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you’re going to do it, do it for the right reasons, or
don’t do it at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you really
are that passionate about your beliefs, well then good for you, but keep it to
yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes Ray Lewis, I’m
talking to you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-54688418991624399382013-01-07T18:31:00.000-05:002013-01-07T18:31:02.729-05:00NHL Returns: To Boycott, or not to Boycott... THAT is the question!
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">So the NHL is back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well isn’t that just wonderful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And like many abusive relationships,
the fans will come crawling back thinking this time it will be different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The winner:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the NHL.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
losers:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the fans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is that how it’s going to be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Nothing would make me happier than seeing
fans finally stand up for themselves and boycott the balance of this
season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Empty arenas are the only
way to get the message across to the NHL, team owners and players that this
type of behaviour will not be tolerated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If nothing else, tickets should be reduced to half-price to show
appreciation to the fans that have remained loyal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that won’t happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We all know how this will end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The fans will go back to them regardless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, all but this fan.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Like most Canadian boys, I grew up playing
hockey both on the ice and on our neighbourhood streets, instilling in me a
love for the game that has stayed with me to this day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s that same love for the game that
will compel most fans to give the NHL their immediate forgiveness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I wish that were not the case, I
cannot hold it against them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
you’re happy that the NHL is back so that you can once again watch the game you
love, well then I’m happy that you’re happy, but my feelings on the matter
remain unchanged.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Maybe it’s the game that has changed, or
maybe it’s me that has changed, but for whatever the reason, I can no longer
hold the NHL on the pedestal I once did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It has become all too clear that for the NHL, “the love of the game” has
been replaced with “the love of money”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This can also be said for most professional sports leagues, where
salaries have gotten so extraordinarily out of hand that most professional
athletes will make more in one season than we will in multiple lifetimes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">While professional hockey players may not
even be at the top of the list of highest paid athletes, they do quite well for
themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s no hardship
there, there’s no need to feel sorry for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think about how hard you work at your job to make ends
meet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think about how much time
you must put in at work to save enough money to buy your son or daughter a
jersey with their favourite player's name and number on it, or buy tickets to take your family
to a game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think of that feeling
of excitement that permeates through your body when you enter the arena and see
the ice for the first time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
the average fan taking home an average salary, they’re lucky if they can attend
maybe one game per season, if that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s the reality of the average fan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is precisely why I have a hard time accepting the fact
that a third line winger who gets maybe seven shifts a game is making more money
sitting there on the bench during one 60 minute game than we fans will make in
an entire year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And still, they
are not satisfied?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is what they do
for a living really that much more important than what we do for a living, to
justify that degree of disparity?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">And who pays these ridiculous
salaries?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We do, the fans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our love of the game blinds us from
reality, and we gladly shell out hundreds if not thousands of dollars year
after year for tickets and team apparel without even a second thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our love of the game keeps us coming
back, and the NHL knows that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
feed on that, but at the same time, they also know we are a limited
resource.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They know there is only
so much money they can bleed from us, which is why they have turned their focus
to corporate season tickets and private boxes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Look at the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Air
Canada Centre for example.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
majority of the lower bowl is sold out before the season even begins, but not
because of the fans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only the
upper bowl is really open to average fans, the lower bowl is for the
corporations, those that have the deeper pockets capable of spending over $250
per ticket and supporting the NHL for years to come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why have the iconic Maple Leafs not made a greater effort over
these past few decades to secure a team capable of winning the Stanley
Cup?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Simple… because they don’t
have to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The seats are filled for
each and every game, and team apparel is flying off the shelves, regardless of
the quality of the team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To spend
more for higher quality talent would be unnecessary and foolish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The goal isn't to win the Stanley Cup, it's to maximize profits, and
they’re sure doing an excellent job of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">For the first five minutes of each period,
the lower level seats sit empty, as the corporate elite indulge themselves on
over-priced food and drinks, expanding their range of spending far beyond merely
the cost of the seats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fans may
not be able to afford the price of the food and drinks, but those corporations
sure can, especially when they are trying to impress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s where the profit is to be made.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The teams and NHL know it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those corporations are the future, not
us fans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fans are secondary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fans are only needed to buy licensed merchandise;
we’re not needed at the games anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We’re encouraged to watch Hockey Night in Canada at home, while we wear
our favourite team’s third jerseys, and drink from our team logo mug.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Why else would the league expand to unlikely
markets in the southern United States that leave us scratching our heads?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not because there is a huge demand
for ice-based sports down there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not too many kids in Phoenix grow up with a love for the game of hockey,
or spend their winters playing shinny on the local pond. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, they don’t even call it hockey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They call it “Ice Hockey”, as though
the concept of ice is somewhat foreign to them, and requires clarification.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cities such as this to the NHL are
nothing more than an untapped market where they can create a team, promote the
sport in order to sell tickets and merchandise, make as much money as they can,
and as soon as the novelty wears off, they can move the team elsewhere and
start the cycle all over again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No
thought is given to the watering down of talent as the league expands to more
and more teams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The NHL is now
filled with mediocre players that never would have made the cut 20 years ago,
but with more teams comes more money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Financially, the NHL is far better off placing new teams in the population
rich United States rather than Canada, so even though there is undeniable
demand in Canada for more teams (Hamilton immediately comes to mind), and even
though the majority of the die-hard hockey fans live north of the border, it
doesn’t matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fans don’t
matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Money matters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The NHL is a business first and
foremost.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">We’ve had to endure several months of
listening to millionaires and billionaires negotiate over who gets what share
of the profits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We fans don’t care
how you guys divide the profits, as long as you put a decent product on the ice
for our enjoyment, and feed our love of the game, we’re happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But they didn’t do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They could have kept playing through
their ongoing negotiations, but they didn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rather than watching nightly highlight reels on TSN or ESPN,
we’ve been forced to watch Gary Bettman and various players dressed in suits
walk in, out, and around building entrances, on their way to and from business
meetings and contract negotiations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I can’t help but think something has been lost in all of this, the image
of professional hockey tarnished.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What happened to the game I love?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">As I stand back now and try my best to look
at it objectively, I guess I can’t blame the NHL.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t blame the owners.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t blame the players.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hockey is a business before all else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hockey, like most businesses, is all
about money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In business, money is
everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At least at that level, the idealistic
concept of “the love of the game” died a long time ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The charade is over, and I suppose for
the first time, I’ve allowed myself to see the business of hockey as it really
is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now they’re back, their secret exposed, and they
expect us to act like nothing ever happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well I can’t do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I’m not suggesting you all boycott the
NHL.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not suggesting you immediately
forgive the NHL.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really, I’m not
suggesting anything at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do
whatever feels right for you, and whatever that is, I’ll respect that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As odd as it may sound, I was actually
rooting for the cancellation of the entire season out of spite, and was
strangely disappointed to hear a deal had been struck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or maybe I was more disappointed
because now that a deal is in place, everyone is giving each other high-fives,
thinking everything can finally get back to normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It all seems a little too easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is normal?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Is normal really such a great thing?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">For me, I guess what I’m
saying is that I’ve come to the realization that I no longer care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The NHL sure doesn’t care about me, and
I’m fine with that, most big businesses don’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still love hockey, but I’m not the least bit excited that
the NHL is back, and that says something to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It turns out that my life without the NHL has been just fine,
and I’ve even got a few extra dollars in my pocket to show for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No apologies needed from the NHL, feel
free to go about your business, and best of luck with your next lock-out ten
years from now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I have no
doubt that I’ll still see you around from time to time, it won't ever be the same. I don't want it to be. </span><!--EndFragment-->
<br />
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"><br /></span>Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-88282686891263924972012-12-14T17:49:00.001-05:002012-12-14T17:49:07.628-05:00The Power of "No"
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Lots of people say “no” all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You hear it everyday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s one of the first words you learn
as a child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a simple two
letter word that we all take for granted, and don’t give much thought to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However if you take a step back for a
moment and think about it, you’ll realize the strength and power of that word,
if and when used properly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">It’s one thing to say “no”, but it’s an
entirely different thing to <u>mean it</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To stand behind it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>To be willing to fight for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If used properly, it is actually a positive, not a negative, and becomes
an invaluable tool for success in both your career and personal life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">In order to be able to use the word “no” to
your benefit, there is one thing that you absolutely MUST have, and that is knowledge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To say “yes” is to go with the flow, to
follow the herd.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course there
are many reasonable opportunities to say “yes” on a daily basis, I’m not
suggesting you delete that word from your vocabulary, but think about what the
words mean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Yes” is a much easier
thing to say than “no”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you’re
going to use the word “no”, you had better be prepared to defend and explain
why you feel that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can’t
simply make a hit-and-run statement of objection, take off, and expect to be
taken seriously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re either
committed, or your not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stand
behind your words, or don’t say them in the first place. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Elementary and high school is great for
providing a basic education, university is great for allowing time for
socialization and maturing, and by the time I finished my post-graduate studies
after university, I was graduating with high honours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s all fine and dandy, however, what all those years in
school don’t teach you is what the “real world” is like once you’re out there
on your own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Diplomas of course
have a purpose, and certainly look great on the wall, but they don’t prepare
you for the “real world”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Diplomas
get your foot in the door, where you go from there is up to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s only one way to learn the “real
world”, and that’s through experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had a great looking resume by the time I finished with school, and I
thought I was fully prepared, but the fact was, I didn’t know anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People who don’t know better have no
option but to trust that the person standing across from them knows something
they don’t, so they say “yes”, and quietly continue on with their business,
trying not to draw attention upon themselves.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I didn’t realize this at the time, but
early on in my career in the building and development industry, I said “yes” an
awful lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If someone at City Hall
said I needed to provide something in order to obtain a Building Permit, I said
“yes”, and got them what they asked for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If an engineering consultant said we needed to design a residential
subdivision in a certain way, I said “yes”, and that’s the way we designed
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The problem with that however
is that by me saying “yes”, it usually meant more time and money on my side of
the table was being spent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Looking
back at it, the reason is obvious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was young, green, and didn’t know what I was doing!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I’ve been in this industry for over 16
years now, and by no means am I suggesting I know everything, because I
don’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not even close.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I know that, and knowing that is
important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through the course of
these past 16 years, I’ve gained experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve gained knowledge of the Planning Act, Official Plans,
Zoning By-Laws, Provincial Legislation, legal agreements, and Building Codes to
name a few.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More importantly, I’ve
gained knowledge of not only the words within those documents, but what those
words actually mean, and how they translate to the “real world”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Words are something you learn in
school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Words are simple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The true meaning of words however is
something you don’t learn until you’ve experienced them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Only once you have this knowledge behind
you can you legitimately step up and tell somebody “no, you’re wrong, and
here’s why”. I now know whether the information City Hall is asking for is
something that is actually required, or whether they’re trying to take advantage
of a situation, or whether the person asking for it doesn’t even know
themselves what the actual requirements are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it shouldn’t, but it amazes me that the people put in
charge of administering Provincial and Municipal policies, don’t always know
what they’re talking about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
assume they know more about these types of things than the general public, and
so does the general public, so City Hall is used to hearing “yes”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>City Hall usually gets what they ask
for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As the saying goes, “You can’t
fight City Hall”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know
this 16 years ago, but actually, you can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They are not used to hearing the word “no”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It catches them completely off guard, and they are not
comfortable having to take off their blinders and take a second look at what
the policies actually say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
not easy to argue with people who are set in their ways, but it can be
done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now that my eyes are open to
this, it’s a whole new world.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I’ve been in ongoing negotiation meetings
over the past two years battling with senior legal and planning staff at two of
our local municipalities, and through these negotiations have been successful
in convincing them to essentially re-write portions of their Official Plans and
Zoning By-Laws to put in place wording that reflects the “real world”
interpretation and implementation of those words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I submit an application for a new residential
subdivision, I don’t cater to what City Hall wants, I give equal or greater
consideration to what I want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
afterall the one paying for everything (well, I should say the company I work for
is paying for everything), shouldn’t I therefore get a say in this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I show up at meetings, and stand
up in front of a team of municipal lawyers, engineers, and planners who have
been doing things a certain way for years, and tell them that “no, you are
wrong”, I damn well better have a good explanation why I feel that way if I
want to retain any shred of credibility.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nowadays, I win more than I lose, and it’s a great feeling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fear of confrontation long gone, it’s
empowering to know that I have a voice, and whether people agree or disagree,
at least they’re listening, and that’s a good start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Whether in your
professional life or personal life, the moment you say “no”, whether you like
it or not, you’ve stuck your neck out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is the only way to achieve greater success, and is absolutely
necessary, but there is no denying that you are exposing yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are no longer part of the faceless
herd, and sometimes must take positions that are not necessarily popular with
others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if you have the knowledge
and self-confidence to stand behind your position with conviction, and the
willingness to fight for what you believe, you’ll do just fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t do that 16 years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can do that now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can now say “no”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><!--EndFragment-->
<br />
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span>Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-77479580430378151942012-12-12T20:41:00.001-05:002012-12-12T20:41:59.259-05:00Union NonsenseI am so sick and tired of hearing about unions and strikes. Nobody should have the "right" to strike. If you don't like your job, or if you don't think you're being treated fairly, then what you DO have the "right" to do is quit your job. Go find a job somewhere else if you think you've got it so rough.<br />
<br />
Your success or failure in your career should be entirely up to you, and how hard you're prepared to work. Don't hide behind union representatives whose only job is to create conflict in order to secure their own jobs.<br />
<br />
If you are a public employee that relies on my tax dollars to pay your salary, and feel that I'm not paying you enough, or somehow not treating you fairly, multiply my frustration by 10, and that's how much hatred I have towards unions. <br />
<br />
Time to abolish all unions and create a level playing field for all. <br />
<br />
Just had to get that off my chest.<br />
<br />Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-79330567716267700522012-12-10T21:00:00.000-05:002012-12-10T21:00:44.006-05:00Christmas Reminders<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Christmas is once again upon us, and
accordingly, so too is the Christmas party season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has been a full year since the last Christmas season, so
here are just a few little tips and reminders of what is expected of you around
this time of year.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">DO:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Bring a host/hostess gift of a nice cabernet sauvignon, pinot grigio, or
delicious dessert treats, particularly if attending a Christmas Party on, say
for example, December 15<sup>th</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A little bubbly is also a favourable gift, and will ensure you are
granted entrance into the host’s home, rather than being forced to view the
good times from the outside of a frosty window.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">DON’T:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bring fruitcake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nobody likes fruitcake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How
fruitcake became associated with Christmas, I’ll never know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you bring fruitcake to my party,
don’t be surprised if I throw it at your windshield as I chase you off my
property.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The same applies to a
Jello mold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t put shit in my
Jello!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">DO:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Say “Merry Christmas”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
Christmas time, you’re at a Christmas Party, so just say it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Come on, say it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>SAY IT!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">DON’T:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Say “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings”, simply to be
politically correct.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not
offended if someone says “Happy Hanukkah” in my presence, and if anyone is
offended if I say “Merry Christmas”, well that’s their problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re all entitled to our own beliefs
and traditions, so don’t buckle under an imaginary and ridiculous pressure.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">DO:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Cut down a real tree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
is the only time of year when those greeny tree hugger types aren’t going to
get all over you for that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And who
says it has to be a fir or spruce?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I work for a land developer, and we have lots of nice oak, maple and
butternut trees that we’d be more than happy to allow you to cut down at no
charge, that would make a nice alternative for those looking for something a
little different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And once you get
it home and decorate it, call it what it is… a Christmas Tree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Santa does not put gifts under a
“Holiday Tree”.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">DON’T:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Drink too much at the office Christmas Party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nowadays everybody has a Facebook or
Twitter account, and a cell phone that takes photos and videos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your office enemies will be all too
happy to post photos of you embarrassing yourself all over the internet for all
to see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, long gone
are the days when you could Zerox your bare ass and get away with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">DO:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Spike the egg nog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forget
what I just said about not drinking too much at the Christmas Party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You only live once, and think about how
boring life would be if you didn’t have a few embarrassing moments to look back
on.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">DON’T:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forget how lucky you are to have what you have both in terms
of physical possessions, and more importantly, loved ones, as there is always
someone less fortunate out there that would gladly trade places with you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remember the good times with those who
are no longer here, and make new memories with those that are.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">DO:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Prepare yourself to gain a few pounds over the next few weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s going to happen whether you like
it or not, so just give in and let it happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go find a nice pair of elastic waistband pants, lose the
belt altogether, and dig in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There
will be plenty of snow in January that you can shovel to work off those few
extra pounds.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">DON’T:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Drink and drive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You know better than that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t be an idiot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just
plan ahead, assign a designated driver, or take a taxi.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing dampens the Christmas spirit
like having a friend or family member killed as the result of your bad
decision.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">DO:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Finish your Christmas shopping early to avoid the crowds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I fail at this one every year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I always tell myself that “next year
will be different”, but it never is.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">DON’T:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bug me and ask why I haven’t written a blog post in a month,
otherwise you get posts like this, which are barely entertaining at all, but at
least buy me a little time to think of something a little more interesting.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">DO:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Enjoy the season, and have a very Merry Christmas!! </span><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<o:p>This blog post is a little different than my usual posts. After yet another disappointing and frustrating experience with the customer service staff of my telephone/internet/television provider (Bell Canada), I sent the following letter: </o:p></div>
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November 2, 2012 <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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###### ####</div>
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President & Chief Executive Officer</div>
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BCE and Bell Canada</div>
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# Carrefour Alexander Graham Bell</div>
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#######, Quebec</div>
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### ###</div>
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Dear Mr. ####:</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Re:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><u>My
Experience with Bell Canada<o:p></o:p></u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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As a customer with Bell Canada
for over 20 years, it is with great disappointment that I must write this
letter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it is important
that you understand what the “Bell Customer Experience” has become, so that significant
improvements can be made, and believe me when I tell you, there is much room
for improvement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With this letter,
I am not asking for special treatment, or even a response, as by the time you
read this it is very likely that I will no longer even be a customer of Bell
Canada.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My request is simply this:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please read this letter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have given you over 20 years of my
time and money; therefore I trust my request for five minutes of your time is
not unreasonable.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Over the course of my time as a Bell
Canada customer, there has been frustration all along the way, yet I have
remained loyal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whether it be
calling customer service and speaking with someone whose accent I struggle to understand,
the fact that EVERY time I call Bell Canada with an issue, I must dedicate well
over an hour of my time and in many cases speak to three or more
representatives in order to resolve an issue, I have remained loyal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Telephone, internet, and satellite
television, I have gone “all in” with the services offered by Bell Canada.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
After stumbling upon some
information that I could obtain a better deal through one of your competitors, and
then calling them to verify that I was not reading that information
incorrectly, I contacted Bell Canada on October 7, 2011.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I explained that where I was currently
paying over $240 per month for Bell Canada’s services, your competition was
offering me the same services at $140 per month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As any reasonable person would, I called to ask what Bell
Canada could do for me, and whether I should remain a Bell Canada customer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After nearly two hours of aggravation
on the phone, and after speaking with four different representatives, we
finally reached an agreement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
agreed that for the next 12 months, my monthly rate would be $136.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No less.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Over the course of the next 12
months, the price slowly started to creep up again, and as of my last bill, the
charge was over $180.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not wanting
to deal with the stress and anger that takes control of me every time I contact
Bell Canada, I foolishly chose to just stay quiet and pay my bills throughout
this 12 month period without raising a complaint.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
On October 6, 2012, I woke up
knowing it was once again time to reach out to Bell Canada to renegotiate my
new rate for the coming 12 months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Before doing so however, I decided to visit my local Bell Store as I was
very interested in switching to Fibe TV, and the big sign outside the store
stating “FIBE TV IS HERE!!” was an encouraging indicator that I had come to the
right place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I went inside the
store and got in line to speak with a Bell representative.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
After waiting in line for half an
hour, I finally reached the front.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I explained that I was interested in finding out more about Fibe TV, and
that if the price was right, I’d like to sign up for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was subsequently quoted a price which
I suppose seemed reasonable, then advised the representative that I am an
existing customer, and asked whether there were any discounts or promotions
available.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The response I received
was shocking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was told that he
was unaware that I was an existing customer, and therefore the price he just
gave me is not available to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The price for existing customers is nearly THREE TIMES more expensive!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only that, as an existing customer,
I cannot make this type of change through the Bell Store, I need to contact
Customer Service and make the arrangements through them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was essentially turned away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I questioned why Bell Canada is
punishing existing customers, to which the representative replied “That’s just
the way it is.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Upon returning home that
afternoon, I contacted Bell Canada as instructed to once again negotiate a new
12 month rate, and ask them about the possibility of switching to Fibe TV.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Upon speaking with a Bell Canada
representative, it quickly became obvious that it made absolutely no financial
sense for me to switch to Fibe TV, as I would have ended up paying MORE money
for LESS channels than I currently have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Why would any reasonable person agree to that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Putting the Fibe TV scam behind me and choosing to focus
instead on maintaining my current services, I spent nearly two more hours of
aggravation on the phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After
speaking with just three representatives this time, I was able to negotiate a
new rate of $144 per month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
explained the concern I had about the increasing rates throughout the previous
12 month period, and was assured that no, we are agreeing on $144 per month for
12 months, therefore there will be no increases over the next year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I specifically asked when this new rate
would take affect, and was told that this new rate is effective immediately,
and would be reflected on my very next bill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You record all these telephone calls, so please, feel free
to listen to the recording and verify this for yourself.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I assumed everything was fine,
and that I could live the next 12 months of my life stress-free, not having to
deal with Bell Canada.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was
until yesterday, November 1<sup>st</sup>, just 26 days since I had reached a
new agreement with Bell Canada, when I received my latest bill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only was the price not what we
agreed on, it was actually HIGHER than what I had previously been paying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t want
the aggravation, but I had no choice, I had to contact Bell Canada.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Last night I called Bell Canada
Customer Service and explained the discrepancy in the bill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first person I spoke with
immediately agreed that an error was made, and that my new agreement was not
reflected in this bill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Unfortunately there was nothing she could do to help me however, and
said I needed to speak with another representative.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After 10 minutes on hold, I was finally transferred to
another representative.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Upon
speaking with this second representative, I was shocked to learn that the
agreement I had reached with Bell Canada just 26 days earlier was no longer
available to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An error was
apparently made by the Bell Canada representative I had spoken with on October
6<sup>th</sup>, therefore that agreement was null and void, and he could not or
would not respect that agreement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He said the best he can do is offer me whatever promotions are currently
available, but that there was no possible way of getting me the $144 rate that
I had previously agreed to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told
him that was unacceptable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An
agreement was reached on October 6<sup>th</sup>, you have the recorded
telephone conversation and notes in my file that verify this, yet Bell Canada
has chosen to back out of this agreement with no advance notice to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I expressed my frustration, and do you
know how the Bell Canada representative responded? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He laughed.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I immediately asked to speak with
his supervisor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another 10 minutes
were spent on hold before I was finally able to speak with the “Senior
Manager”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She acknowledged that an
error was made by Bell Canada, but that they cannot give me the $144 price that
was previously agreed to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead,
she claimed that the best she can do given the current promotions that are
available is to give me a new price of $154 for the next 12 months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her that is unacceptable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had an agreement with Bell Canada for
$144, and that is all I am prepared to pay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She confirmed that she has notes to that effect in her file,
yet maintained her position that $154 was the best she could do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She then proceeded to tell me that
“Quite frankly, it doesn’t matter what price we settle on, because we can
increase your rates whenever we want.”</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I once again expressed my
frustration with the situation, and asked her if she is prepared to lose a 20+
year customer over $10 per month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Her reply was that while they certainly do not want to lose me as a
customer, I am free to cancel my services whenever I want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She asked that I provide 30 days
notice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked if I could speak
with whoever is next on the chain of command, but was told she was as high as I
could go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her she was
wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After pressing the issue,
she finally agreed to pass my complaint along to a “Senior Executive”, who she
claims will call me at home this coming Saturday.</div>
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<br /></div>
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In the meantime I asked her what
I should do with this current bill for $182.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her reply, “Pay it”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I told her that was unacceptable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At the very least, she could give me the $154 rate and issue a
credit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She refused.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After some back and forth, we did
ultimately agree to change my account to $154, however she would issue no
credit, and advised that it may take up to 2 months before this new rate
becomes effective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again,
unacceptable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I made it very clear
that my agreeing to $154 now in no way ties me down to a 12 month term.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If Bell Canada can change their mind
whenever they want, so can I.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
asked if this $154 rate would apply for the full 12 months with no increases,
to which she replied “Yes”, even though she had just moments ago told me it may
not come into effect for another 2 months, thereby effectively minimizing my 12
month agreement to a 10 month agreement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I asked if she could email me confirmation of this, to which she replied
“Yes, I will email you within the hour.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It has now been 15 hours, and I have yet to receive such confirmation,
leaving me with no confidence whatsoever that my account has been revised.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Quite frankly Mr. ####, I cannot
deal with this aggravation anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s just not worth it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
is clear to me that Bell Canada does not respect its customers, and after
decades of essentially having a monopoly over these services, does not feel
there is anything wrong with the way you do business.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Luckily for me times have changed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where I couldn’t necessarily say the same 20 years ago, I
now have options.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can choose to
stay with Bell Canada, or switch over to one of your competitors, who seem more
than eager to offer me their services.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For me, it’s not about whether I end up paying $144 or $154, the money
is no longer important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the
principle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I stay with a
company like Bell Canada and continue to support them, or do I look elsewhere
and give someone else a chance?</div>
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<br /></div>
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With minimal effort, I have
already found several options with competitors of yours that can give me the
services I need at the same price or less than $144 per month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know why, but I feel that
before I make the switch, I should at least hear what the “Senior Executive”
has to say when/if he calls me on Saturday, even though I suspect it will be a
very short conversation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not
interested in hearing excuses or apologies, all I want to hear is that Bell
Canada will stand behind the agreement they made with me on October 6<sup>th</sup>,
and that effective that date, my monthly rate for the next 12 months is
$144.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not asking for a further
discount, or any other one time credits for the aggravation you have caused me,
I only want you to stand behind what we agreed to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Failure to do so will make my next move an easy one, and in
roughly 30 days from now, Bell Canada will be out of my life for good.</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Thank you for reading this, and I
truly hope this motivates you to open your eyes and investigate further what is
really happening between Bell Canada and its customers. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Yours truly,</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Dave XXXXXXX</div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 10pt;">Account# XXXXXXX</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: x-small;"><b>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: x-small;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><b>UPDATE: November 5, 2012</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><b><br /></b></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">To their credit, the Executive Customer Service Department did respond within 4 hours of me sending this letter, and after looking into the matter further, did end up giving me a slightly better monthly rate than even the $144 I had previously agreed to. While I am reasonably satisfied with the outcome, it is a shame it took this much effort to get this resolved. Thankfully I now have 12 months before I need to worry about it again. If you are experiencing similar frustrations, I strongly recommend you do the same, and go well over the heads of the useless customer service staff. It shouldn't be this way.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><br /></span>Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-8033790632973727562012-10-31T18:02:00.002-04:002012-10-31T18:02:37.397-04:00Halloween Contradictions
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 14.0pt;">For Children<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t take candy from strangers.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go take candy from strangers.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Just be yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re
great just the way you are!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t be yourself, that’s no good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be someone different, someone way better and more
interesting than you’ll ever be.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You’re too young to wear make-up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hey, you’re young, put on make-up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t eat too much sugar.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>EAT SUGAR!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Come inside once it gets dark, I don’t want you wandering the streets.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go outside once it gets dark, and wander the streets.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Here, eat an apple, it’s good for you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t eat that apple, it might not be good for you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t take that pillowcase outside.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here, take this pillowcase outside.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Candy is not good for you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is that all you got?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Go out and get more candy!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Can you please pick up some eggs on your way home from school?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hey Bucko, where do you think you’re going with those eggs?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 14.0pt;">For Adults<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t dress too provocatively, you need to look respectful.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pfft… that’s not nearly slutty enough!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You need to show more skin!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
hope the weather is nice today.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope it’s cold and rainy so no kids come to my door.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Hmmm… chocolate is on sale… oh I better not…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hmmm… maybe I better buy another couple boxes of these
little chocolate bars, just in case an unexpected busload of children show up
at my door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It could happen you
know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It could.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This pumpkin will be a nice fall decoration on my porch.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I catch that little prick that smashed my pumpkin on my
driveway, I’m going to wring his freakin’ neck!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It will be a cold day in Hell when you’ll see me wearing those green
tights.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Honey, do you remember where I put my green tights?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Let’s turn on some lights, it’s too dark in here.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Turn off the lights!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If the neighbourhood kids don’t think we’re home, maybe they won’t ring
the doorbell.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Rocky Horror Picture Show is a weird movie.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Let’s do the time warp again!!!!!!” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Typical
Day:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s not okay to scare small children.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Halloween:</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m gonna scare the shit outta those little fuckers!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s gonna be awesome!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 22.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 18.0pt;">H</span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 22.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 18.0pt;">A<span style="color: #ff9900;">P</span>P<span style="color: #ff9900;">Y H</span>A<span style="color: #ff9900;">L</span>L<span style="color: #ff9900;">O</span>W<span style="color: #ff9900;">E</span>E<span style="color: #ff9900;">N</span>!<span style="color: #ff9900;">!<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Showcard Gothic"; font-size: 22.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 18.0pt;"><span style="color: #ff9900;"><br /></span></span></b></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-282210000107532002012-10-25T06:34:00.000-04:002012-10-25T06:34:56.818-04:00EAT THIS!!!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">So who’s drinking the peach drink anyway?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know, that orange liquid cascading
in the clear plastic dispenser behind the cashier at your local coffee shop,
the level of which never changes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean really, is it so popular that
nearly every coffee shop feels the need to have this stuff readily available to
their customers?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve never seen
anyone order it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m fearful of
even trying it at this point, as I can only imagine what years of evaporation
have done to the sugar concentration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They probably give away a free diabetes home test with every glass just
as a precaution, but only after you’ve signed the waiver!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Surgeon General won’t even take a
sip!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure there’s someone out
there reading this right now and muttering to their cat “Hey, I like that peach
drink!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This guy’s a jerk!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">And what about those Eat-More candy
bars?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know, the dusty ones on
the bottom shelf at the convenience store, next to those small individual boxes
of chocolate covered cherries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Who’s eating those?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seriously!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To this day I’m convinced they stopped
making Eat-More candy bars 30 years ago, and the ones you see on the shelves
now are the same ones you saw on the shelves as a kid, just a little dustier!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">And when was the last time you ordered a Filet-O-Fish
at McDonalds?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To the Executive “Chef”
at McDonalds, here, take this thick black marker, cross the friggin’ fish stick
sandwich off the menu, and replace it with something people might actually want
to eat, like the McRib!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And since
you have the marker in your hand anyway, you may as well cross pickles off the
list of ingredients that go into making the McRib!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is nobody in this world that eats ribs and thinks to
themselves, “Hmmm,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>these ribs seem
to be missing something… what could make them even better… oh I know… PICKLES!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That does not happen!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you remove pickles from the McRib,
maybe you could use that leftover pickle quota to put more than two on my
cheeseburger!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two tiny pickles is not
enough, especially when your people stack them like two dimes so that out of my
entire cheeseburger, I only get one bite with pickles!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">And then there’s Home Depot and Canadian
Tire, both home improvement stores in Canada that are doing quite well in their
chosen lines of business.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not wanting
to rest on their laurels however, and always looking for an edge over their
competition, they’ve found a new item to sell in their stores which of course only
makes perfect sense – SUCKERS!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What
the??<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What are these guys
thinking?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Using the technology of
an old-school artificial Christmas tree, they’ve cut a broom stick in half,
drilled holes in it, and placed the sucker sticks into those holes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So now every time you want to purchase
a furnace filter or can of paint, you’ve got to manoeuvre around this large
sucker tree!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And do you know why
that sucker tree is always full of suckers?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BECAUSE NOBODY’S BUYING THEM!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And do you know why nobody is buying them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BECAUSE YOU’RE A FRIGGIN’ HOME
IMPROVEMENT STORE!!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">ARGHHHH!!!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span>Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-23022946516129680602012-10-21T10:10:00.000-04:002012-10-21T10:10:37.402-04:0099 Bottles of Beer<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">We all know how the story begins, but how
many of us actually know how it ends?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-CA">99
Bottles of Beer – EXPOSED!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">99 bottles of beer on the wall</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">99 bottles of beer</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Take one down, pass it around,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">98 bottles of beer on the wall.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">And so the party begins. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Four friends sitting on old beat-up lawn
chairs in a garage, sharing stories, remembering good times, and enjoying
plenty of laughs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">82 bottles of beer on the wall</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">82 bottles of beer</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Take one down, pass it around,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">81 bottles of beer on the wall.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">With a nice little buzz beginning to soften
their senses, the volume of both the music and their stories slowly increases.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The funnel has been brought out of
storage, and now swings from the ceiling, the beer pong table becoming
increasingly moist.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">69 bottles of beer on the wall</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">69 bottles of beer</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Take one down, pass it around</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">68 bottles of beer on the wall.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The party now in full swing, all four
friends howl with laughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Hey
look what I found… Lawn Darts!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
so gotta play this!!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Are we
seriously all out of chips?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Ohhhh Def Leppard!!! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Turn
that up!!!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">46 bottles of beer on the wall</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">46 bottles of beer</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Take one down, pass it around</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">45 bottles of beer on the wall.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“Hahahahaha!!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look at Bill!!!!!!” as Bill lays passed out in sitting in a blue
recycling bin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Pfft… What a pussy!!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They take a black permanent marker and
draw penis designs all over his forehead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Finding his cell phone, they take photos, hack into his Facebook
account, and post them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Hahahaha,
we’re awesome!!” followed by a round of high fives.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">29 bottles of beer on the wall</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">29 bottles of beer</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Take one down, pass it around</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">28 bottles of beer on the wall.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“LET’S GO STREAKING!!!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The three of them strip down and run bare-assed
out into the night.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">28 bottles of beer on the wall</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">28 bottles of beer</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Thrown in jail, waiting for bail,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">28 bottles of beer on the wall.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Bill’s cell phone rings, awakening him from
his drunken stupor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sore back and
all alone, he wonders where everyone went.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Hello?” he mutters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s one of his buddies filling him in on the little situation they’ve
gotten themselves into, and asking him to come bail them out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You gotta come get us man!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And whatever you do, don’t tell my
wife!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">28 bottles of beer on the wall</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">28 bottles of beer</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Take one down, pass it around</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">27 bottles of beer on the wall.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“Bad boys, bad boys, watcha gonna do,
whatcha gonna do when they come for you!” they sing loudly together, arms
around one another, and now fully clothed and back in the safe confines of the garage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Oh I was totally not scared! Hahahaha,
you were shitting your pants in there, but not me!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I can’t pee when other people are watching, alright, and I
really had to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Leave me alone!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You guys are assholes, why did you
have to draw on my face?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">15 bottles of beer on the wall </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">15 bottles of beer</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Take one down, pass it around</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">14 bottles of beer on the wall.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“Was that fridge there the whole time?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why is your beer on the wall, and not
in the fridge?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dipshit, no wonder the
mountain isn’t blue!!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“No,
you’re the dipshit!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go buy your
own beer you fuckin’ mooch!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Why
didn’t you buy more chips?!!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Who am I, your mother?!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Hey, don’t you talk about my Mom like that!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll kick your ass!!!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">1 bottle of beer on the wall </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">1 bottle of beer</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Take it down, pass it around</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">No more bottles of beer on the wall.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“Sun’s starting to come up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You wanna shot of tequila?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“{{hiccup}}<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nah, I’m good... I think I’m gonna hurl…”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Huh, what’s with all these Facebook
messages?............ YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">The truth behind “99 bottles of beer on the
wall”… regrettably, more shameful than glamorous.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-26918440355035979232012-10-17T18:01:00.000-04:002012-10-17T18:10:18.293-04:00Things I Did Not Need To Learn In Public School<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Math.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sure the basics come in handy, that is undeniable, but when was the last
time you used a protractor?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
was the last time you used a compass?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you think I’m talking about that little Boy Scout gadget that tells
you which direction you’re facing, you’ve only proven my point further.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When was the last time you did long
division, or multiplied fractions manually?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you even remember how?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I
have a math problem to solve, I’m not reaching for my pencil, I’m reaching for
my calculator.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have those now
you know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Number of times I’ve
used a protractor since public school:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>zero.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Gymnastics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my public school for about one month each year the
gymnasium was turned into a gymnastics museum where ancient relics were hauled
out of storage and dusted off for us to admire, before finding out these were
to be used for some sort of athletic purposes, all having the potential of
causing us great bodily harm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
spring board didn’t spring, the rope climb made me feel funny like I was going
to wet my pants, and most of the “equipment” was actually wooden boxes with a
thin layer of leather padding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
scariest of all was the trampoline, especially for me being the tallest kid in
the class.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, did I mention the
metal ceiling in our gym was only 20ft high!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Along with the anxiety of jumping on this thing without a
helmet or neck brace, I did not have a great deal of confidence that my smaller
classmates who surrounded all four sides of the trampoline with their arms up,
would actually catch me should I mistakenly take an errant trajectory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Number of times I’ve been on a
trampoline since public school:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>zero. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">French.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have nothing against people who know how to speak French,
in fact I applaud their ability to do so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I wish I knew how to speak French, but I don’t, and do you know how many
problems that has caused for me during my lifetime thus far?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Absolutely none.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m pretty sure that if I was ever
dropped off somewhere in downtown Paris, I could walk out of there with a tasty
croissant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Je ma pelle
hungry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or whatever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know what I mean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d do just fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Number of times I’ve spoken French
since public school:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>zero.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Art.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Simply by showing up to art class you should be guaranteed an A+.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Art is an expression of oneself, not
something to be graded on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
were you ever allowed to express yourself?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, the
teacher would let us take turns sniffing the fruit scented markers repeatedly
until we got a nice little buzz, but then just as our creative juices started
flowing, she’d force us to twist a small square of tissue paper onto the end of
our pencil, dab it in glue, and paste it to a piece of cardboard over and over
again until we made something that resembled a turkey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That seems unnecessary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Number of times I’ve twisted a small
square of tissue paper onto the end of my pencil, dabbed it in glue and pasted
it to a piece of cardboard over and over again until I’ve made something that
resembles a turkey since public school:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>zero. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Pfft… waste-o-time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-4769333273640865292012-10-13T12:05:00.000-04:002012-10-13T12:05:33.259-04:00I'm An Adult Now<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I’m a little early with this I suppose, but
in another year and a bit, I’m going to be 40 years old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t consider myself old by any
means, however as I approach this benchmark age I can’t help but think about
the life experiences that have brought me to where I am today, and how my
perspective on life has changed through the years.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Basketball was such an important part of my
youth, and I remember running through the various drills during high school practice
and the feeling I got after dunking over the opposition like they were
yesterday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that wasn’t
yesterday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My last game was nearly
20 years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve barely touched
a basketball since.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Kids” who
weren’t even born yet at that time, are now themselves graduating from high school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It just kind of blows your mind when
you stop to think about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where
did the last 20 years go?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Every morning when I wake up now, I get out
of bed and hobble to the shower, working through the stiffness that has taken
control of my ankles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Multiple
severely sprained ankles during my basketball playing days, and 20 years tacked
on for good measure are surely to blame.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The stiffness goes away after about 15 minutes of moving around, but
still, it’s an undeniable sign of age.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Grey hairs that once freaked me out, no
longer even get a second look.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They’re there, I know it, and there’s nothing I can do about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s just a matter of time before my
receding hairline takes care of that problem anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">My knees make weird noises sometimes when I
walk up the stairs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s
new.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve accepted the fact that I
wear glasses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Contact lenses are
still great for the rare occasion that I do anything remotely athletic, but
aren’t worth the hassle otherwise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am who I am, I like who I am, and if you don’t like me, that’s your
problem, not mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wear a tie 5
days a week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know how to cook a
turkey now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Couldn’t say that 20
years ago.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">If there’s garbage that has blown onto my
front yard, I notice that now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>20
years ago I never would have even thought about it, but now I want to hunt down
whichever inconsiderate neighbour didn’t have enough common sense to secure
their garbage on a windy garbage day, tie that garbage to a rock, and throw it
through their front window.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s
what I want to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I actually
do however is leave it there for several days to see if it will blow off my
lawn and into someone else’s lawn, and if it hasn’t done so by the next garbage
day, I’ll pick it up and include it with my garbage, wondering why I hadn’t
just done that a week ago.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Kids seem dumber these days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t understand them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have so much, yet they appreciate
so little.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They wear their clothes
funny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They expect things, but
aren’t prepared to earn them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is
this really the generation I’m going to have to rely on to take care of me in
my golden years?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That scares
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How are they ever going to be
prepared for the “real world” when they’ve grown up being handed everything on
a silver platter, cannot be adequately punished for bad behaviour, and cannot
be given a failing grade in school even though they deserve it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s not real life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my day things were very
different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh Jesus, I just said
“In my day…”, that’s not good.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I am no longer immortal, and though I plan
to be here for at least another 40 years, I know that someday there won’t be
another tomorrow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve lost close
family members, but I’m still here, so I better make the most of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If what they taught me as a child in
Sunday School was correct, I’ll see them again someday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I truly hope so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m thankful for what I have, not
remorseful over what I’ve lost.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People
talk about saving for retirement at my age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Save what for retirement?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Money?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Travelling?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Retirement is a
tomorrow that may or may not come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Of course I’ll plan ahead just in case, but I’m here now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now is what counts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I can do it now, I will.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I can have fun now, I will. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I watch the news now, intentionally, and
actually pay attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
have a job, I have a career.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Staying
awake past 11pm is sometimes a chore, and sleeping in on a weekend past 9am is
a rare treat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t count how
many beers I’ve had in order to brag about it, I count how many beers I’ve had
to make sure I make the right decision when it’s time to go home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You will not find any references to my
after-school job at Valu-Mart on my resume.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All-inclusive resort vacations no longer interest me, I want
to see the world, not the bottom of a cup.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t call anyone “Mr.” anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">As a teenager we think we have the world figured
out, but the truth is, we don’t know jack!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We reach our mid-20’s and realize the world is a much bigger
place than we ever imagined.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
our 30’s our eyes finally open, and we learn to understand just how little we
actually knew back then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We laugh
at our former selves, not with regret, but with humility.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we reach 40 we have a new respect for life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve experienced a lot
by now, and are getting ready to enter the prime years of our business careers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is this the age when we finally get a
handle on life, and what it means to be alive?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I have a pretty good idea, but then again, maybe I
don’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I imagine there’s a 60 year
old somewhere reading this laughing at me, thinking “Nice try kid, come speak
to me in 20 years”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look forward
to seeing what the next 20 years will bring, but I’m in no hurry to get there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m having too much fun right now, and really, isn't that the point?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-16989956840513555222012-10-10T20:36:00.001-04:002012-10-10T20:36:44.568-04:00Things People Say<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Without even thinking, we all have these
little reactionary sayings we blurt out at the appropriate time almost like a
defence mechanism protecting us from awkward
situations, but not accurately expressing how we truly feel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know you know what
I’m talking about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here are just a
few examples:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Have
a nice day!</b>”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Translation:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m done talking to you, and I really
don’t care what you do, as long as you do it away from me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Happy
Birthday!!</b>”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Translation:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where’s the cake?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This means we’re having cake,
right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What, no cake?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pfft… then I don’t care.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Oh,
it’s ON!!</b>”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Translation:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is so not on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People say this when they just got
burnt or embarrassed for whatever reason, and in an attempt to save face, they
say such ridiculous things such as “Oh, it’s ON!!”, failing to realize that
everyone around them knows all too well that they are not going to do anything
in retaliation, thus only compounding the humiliation further.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Hey
Chief, how’s it going?</b>”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Translation:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m going to
be polite to you, but I have no idea who you are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we did ever meet before as it appears you are claiming
based on the expression on your face, clearly I was so unimpressed with you
that I didn’t feel remembering your name was a priority.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Enjoy
your vacation!</b>” to co-worker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Translation:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, you
better run!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t believe you
left me with all this paperwork to do!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You knew you were going away, why didn’t you deal with it you lazy SOB!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope you choke on a pina colada.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">You
gave it your best</b>”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Translation:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh my God that
was horrible!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In what world do you
live in that makes you think you could even pull that off?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m embarrassed to know you right now.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Happy
Holidays!</b>”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Translation:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry Jesus, I am a weak, weak person
who lets political correctness get in the way of what I really want to say.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">That
looks great on you!</b>”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Translation:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I say what
I’m really thinking, it may impact our friendship, so I’m just going to say
this, and try to change the topic as quickly as possible so that I don’t
accidently utter something I might regret.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">It’s
okay, don’t worry about it</b>”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Translation:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not okay,
I will remember this forever, and I will get my revenge if it’s the last thing
I do!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will hunt you down bitch!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">“<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">That
random blog thing you do is great!</b>”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Translation:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are my
hero, and everything you say is bang on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Thank you for putting my feelings into words, and for being so handsome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You should be paid a lot of money to do this, you are so
incredibly awesome!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-41160885759520857702012-10-05T17:53:00.001-04:002012-10-09T20:16:31.168-04:00Thanksgiving Dinner<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;">It’s Thanksgiving
weekend and all through the house</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Decorations are
everywhere thanks to my spouse<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Turkeys and
pumpkins, some Halloween stuff too<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">A cornucopia of
clutter forever within my view<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Family is forever,
and that’s what I fear<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">To get through
this weekend, is gonna take a lotta beer<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Children running
and screaming, making all kinds of noise<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Parents throwing
up their arms, figuring boys will be boys<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Four or five
hours, turkey takes a long time to cook<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Maybe those frozen
dinners deserve a second look<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I’m hungry God
dammit, when can we eat<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I want to dig in,
and fill my belly with meat<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Mashed potatoes,
gravy, and don’t forget the stuffing<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Am I really full
already, or is my stomach just bluffing?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I eat more
regardless, until I can’t move<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Music is playing,
but I’m in no shape to groove<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Is it hot in here
or is it just me, I’m starting to sweat<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">My poor stomach
aches, full of turkey and regret<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">The table is
cleared, turkey carcass waves goodbye<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">My mother-in-law
yells from the kitchen, "Who wants some pie!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Of course I say “I
do”, fighting that feeling of doom<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Thinking a burp
and a fart would sure help make some room<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">But we’re all
sitting at the table, alas I cannot do that<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Just have to sit
here and moan, “Oh man, I feel fat!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Still I am
thankful, and for that I can boast <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">It’s people, not
things, that matter the most<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I’m a pretty lucky
guy, despite all my rants<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Happy Thanksgiving
to all, put on your stretchy pants!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">** Disclaimer:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This of course does not reflect in any way whatsoever the wonderful
family members that I will be visiting this weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any resemblance to actual family members is purely
coincidental!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /></span></i></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-35137926295076724792012-09-29T11:44:00.002-04:002012-09-29T11:44:32.225-04:00If I Were A Prison Warden<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<!--StartFragment--><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">If I were a prison Warden,
I’d be picking up the phone pretty darn quick to see if I could make a deal
with Jack Astor’s Bar & Grill whereby I would take all of the broken
crayons off their hands at no charge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Instead of pencils or pens, both of which can easily be fashioned into
some sort of weapon to be used against me, I’d give my prisoners the broken
crayons to write letters to home with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Let’s face it, there isn’t too much damage a prisoner can inflict on me
with a broken crayon, except for maybe the inflammatory comments and drawings
they doodle on the walls of their cells at my expense, but those would cause
more emotional pain than physical, so you have to take the bad with the good I
suppose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A prison Warden needs to
have thick skin, otherwise he’d probably be depressed a lot of the time, what with being
in a place where most of the people don’t like him and all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And every Tuesday afternoon when I go
on my crayon collection run over to Jack Astor’s, I could keep my fingers
crossed thinking that maybe this time they might even throw in some free garlic
bread.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like garlic bread.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if I’m not going to eat it right
then and there, I think I’d ask them to put that garlic butter that they pour
all over it in a little cup on the side, otherwise my garlic bread would get
all soggy, and there’s nothing worse than getting home and opening a container
filled with soggy garlic bread mush.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If I wanted porridge I would have asked for porridge, but I don’t like
porridge, so I probably wouldn’t ever ask for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d much rather have pancakes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But don’t even think about putting fruit into my
pancakes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No way man, I like my
pancakes left alone with no other ingredients getting in the way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just leave them nice and thick and
spongy so they can soak up all the maple syrup, because the best part of having
pancakes isn’t even the pancakes themselves, it’s the syrup.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pancake is nothing more than a
vessel that transports the maple syrup from my plate to my mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes the maple syrup drips onto my
shirt, and that makes me mad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
lot of people like to smoke when they’re mad, but not me, I don’t smoke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think the only reason people even
take up smoking is for the additional work breaks, because really, why else
would they do it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Smoking stinks
and makes your fingers turn yellow, so no thanks I’ll pass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like to pass drivers who are smoking
as quickly as I can, because for some reason smoker’s drive slowly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it’s because the car window is
partially open, and they don’t want to mess up their hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bald smokers don’t have that problem,
but they do have to wear sunscreen or a hat when they cut the grass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some people like cutting grass, but I’m
not one of those people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I was the
prison Warden I’d make the prisoners who were interested in the grass cutting
position submit resumes to me written in crayon, and then hire whoever uses the
green crayon most effectively.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d
have to be careful though, because the prisoner I hire could try to cut the
grass slowly to maximize his time outdoors, so somehow I’d have to find a way
to eliminate the turtle speed on the riding lawnmower, and rig it so that there
is only the rabbit speed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
isn’t a Sunday afternoon drive, this is prison, so he needs to get it done
fast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want the other
prisoners getting jealous and starting a riot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Quiet Riot was a band back in the day, but I don’t know if
there is such a thing as a quiet riot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Riots are normally loud and out of control, or the equivalent of a big
party, but with periodic violence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Everybody have fun tonight, everybody Wang Chung tonight!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But don’t Wang Chung with nun-chucks,
‘cause that could cause some serious damage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I seem to have gotten off topic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What was I talking about again?</span><!--EndFragment-->
<br />
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"><br /></span>Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-25062914512250728282012-09-26T18:58:00.000-04:002012-09-26T21:52:55.166-04:00Smacky Jones: Noisy Eater<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span lang="EN-CA">There I was, innocently eating my lunch,
when along came Smacky Jones, who upon scanning the room, decided to sit
directly behind me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know
if Smacky Jones was his real name, but one thing I know for sure, he quickly broke
into my list of Top 5 noisiest eaters I’ve ever had the misfortune of
encountering.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I don’t know why the sound of other people
eating irritates me as much as it does, but it does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At least if people chew with their mouths closed, I can
tolerate them, but Smacky Jones was not a closed mouth chewer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, Smacky Jones had apparently never
learned table manners at all, and almost appeared to be flaunting that fact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If Honey Boo Boo had a secret older
brother, so unrefined and unable to live up to the high etiquette standard of
that family, who if America even knew existed would bring shame upon Mama and
Sugar Bear, Smacky Jones would be that brother. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Bite after bite, sip after sip, the sounds
travelled, making it feel as though he was mere inches away from my ears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was left helpless, unable to defend
myself against the sounds of chewing, and the gradual moistening of food in his
mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each smack of his chops,
and each slurp of his lips caused my back to seize up tighter, my eyes cringing
in disgust.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I’m not a violent person, but I must admit,
thoughts of a Smacky Jones shaped hole after I threw him through the plate
glass window went through my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Alternatively, I would not have felt the least bit remorseful had a
large black ACME anvil fallen suddenly from the sky, landing directly on top of
his open-mouthed head, or if in his wild feeding frenzy, he unknowingly
ingested a large stick of dynamite, which upon exploding, left his mouth
saliva-free, unable to produce the noises that were bothering me so. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Alas this is not a cartoon, this is real
life, so I got up, and with a quick “Meep Meep!!”, left Smacky Jones to scarf
down the rest of his lunch, well beyond the range of my hearing. </span></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<!--EndFragment-->Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-50393292212495661362012-09-05T18:19:00.000-04:002012-09-05T18:19:33.068-04:00Fifty Shades of Grey<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span lang="EN-CA">It was just past noon, and there I was,
innocently minding my own business and enjoying a quick bite to eat, when two
flies suddenly decided to land on the hood of my Jeep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I watched for a few moments as they
gracefully danced around one another, before eventually losing interest and
refocusing back on my lunch.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Several bites later, I looked up once more,
surprised to find those same two flies still there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I watched intently, and before long, noticed a change in
their demeanour, that once playful look in their eyes, having now turned to
lust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They moved slowly, but
deliberately closer together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One
male, one female, their intentions became quite clear.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">The sunlight glistening off their naked
bodies, the seductive dance continuing a few moments longer until slowly, ever
so slowly, they embraced, wrapping their legs around one another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their bodies pressed together, she
caressed her chest against his, his hands wandering to wondrous places,
exploring her body, their wings fluttering in ecstasy, as two became one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The male momentarily pulled away, then re-embraced
her, this time mounting her from behind, and with that, began thrusting,
plunging his tiny fly penis deep inside of her.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I looked to my left, then to my right, wanting
to see if anyone else was witnessing this public display of insectual
intercourse. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I being rude?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Should I look away?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unsure of the protocol, I decided to
turn on my radio.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To my great
delight, the radio was already set to the special month-long Dave Matthews Band
channel on Sirius.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t make
this up if I tried, but wouldn’t you know it, the song being played at the time
was “Loving Wings” (not the full band version either, I’m talking about the more
intimate Dave Matthews solo version from the Benaroya Hall show).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seemingly appropriate, I reached over,
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I
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to the tender melody, gently whispering the words inside my head, and as I ate
my the rest of my lunch, watched these two flies going at it doggy-style on the
hood of my Jeep.</span><br />
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-49969716411081956682012-08-31T17:46:00.002-04:002012-08-31T17:47:36.665-04:00The Curse of the Office Pool Party<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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We all have people in our lives that we
consider “clothes on” people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>These are the people we try not to think about in any other way but
fully clothed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re sure at some
point in their lives they’ve probably been naked, but we don’t want to know
about it, and we certainly don’t want to think about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mental imagery can be a scary thing
sometimes, and most will go to great lengths to block certain people in their
minds from wandering across that bridge and over to the land of the “clothes
off” people.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">People are tricky though, and will try
their best to confuse you, and throw you off your guard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Using specially made fabrics, designs,
patterns, push-up this, squeeze in that, make up and other methods, people
spend a lot of time, money and effort trying to make themselves presentable, or
should I say desirable, to the outside world, all for the sake of getting that
coveted invitation to the “clothes off” party inside your brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They know the velvet ropes are up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They know this is a by invitation only
party, and while they may try to play it cool as though it doesn’t really
matter, make no mistake about it, they want in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ultimately though, you’re the bouncer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have control of who you let in, who
makes the cut, and who doesn’t.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">One of the primary scenarios however, responsible
for creating intense cranial conflict, is the office pool party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While maybe not technically “clothes
off”, most bathing suits give you more than enough information with which to
fill in the blanks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You work with
these people five days a week, and often spend more time with them than you do
with your own family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are
“clothes on” people in the strongest sense of the term, people you need to look
in the eye, give direction to, take feedback from, and make decisions
with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They aren’t even people really;
they are just faceless positions within the company, each with their own distinct
role and purpose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone knows
that blurring those lines with co-workers can be a big mistake, so for the good
of the company and your position within it, it’s in everyone’s best interest
for the “clothes on” people to stay on their side of your brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But all that changes once the first
nipple makes an appearance.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">More often then not, the first nipple
sighting will be that of the male variety, followed by its twin, as they do
come in pairs after all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Previously
unthought-of nipples normally covered in a dress shirt and tie all of a sudden
find themselves centre stage at the office pool party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Female nipples are a little more
elusive, typically covered up with a thin layer of swimsuit, but all it takes
is a momentary cool breeze, and bingo bango, there they are!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bodies that had once been known only to
be located somewhere deep beneath layers of cotton and wool are suddenly
exposed, leaving very little to the imagination.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">As you wade through those first awkward
moments, you try to keep your glances discreet, but as though Geraldo just
opened up a vault, secrets are exposed and mysteries are solved as your eyes
are drawn to various nooks, crannies, and crevasses, some of which are
extremely pleasant, some of which are extremely not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your mind struggles to keep some degree of order to the line
of those more visually pleasing co-workers that will be granted entrance into
the “clothes off” party inside your brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Hmm, I had no idea Sheri’s breasts were so perky.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not bad at all.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Well hellooooo Melanie’s ass!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Am I staring?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I’m
staring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I better look away.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">But then Account Manager Betty in her ill-fitting
1980’s bathing suit bends over to pick up her towel, and no matter how hard you
try, you can’t make yourself unsee that!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The more you try to forget, the more it burns a permanent image into
your brain!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Inside you’re screaming
“Noooooooooooo!!!!!!” as the floodgates open, and party-crashers are
everywhere!!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Ahhhhhhhhh, Bob’s
wearing a Speedo!!!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Oh sweet
Jesus please make Betty Lou pull her legs together!!!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What the??!!! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is that a tramp stamp tattoo on Cindy’s
back??!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You little slut!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Wow, that sure is a big mole on
Ramone’s thigh!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Ohhhhhh my,
Melissa forgot to shave!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Why is
Timmy swimming with his sweater on?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Awww fuck, that’s not a sweater!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">You rub your eyes to no avail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The “clothes off” side of your brain
once reserved for only the select few, suddenly fills with unwanted guests, as
you learn far more than you ever wanted to know about your co-workers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While the pool party eventually comes
to an end, the “clothes off” party in your brain does not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You saw what you saw, and that can’t be
denied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those mental images stay
with you, forcing you to revisit the good, the bad, and the ugly, for all
eternity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">There is no medicine to
make it go away, no magic spell to put you at ease.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s with you always, the curse of the office pool party. </span><!--EndFragment-->
<br />
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"><br /></span>Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-53733906140217027342012-08-17T18:06:00.000-04:002012-08-17T18:06:41.133-04:00Well That Was A Little Awkward<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Two times each week, our office cleaning
staff come in to vacuum the carpet.
They are nice Mexican women with a somewhat limited understanding of the
English language, but generally do a very good job. Given the language barrier, we aren’t able to interact with
them a whole lot beyond exchanging simple greetings and thank-you’s, so we usually
go about our business, and they go about theirs.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit;">The cord to their vacuum cleaner is not
particularly long, which means as they move from office to office, they must
find an electrical outlet to plug the cord into.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my office, the most convenient outlet happens to be on an
extension cord that lies underneath my desk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit;">That means twice each week, one of the
cleaning ladies gets down on her hands and knees across from me, and crawls
partway under my desk to reach the extension cord.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I’m not in my office at the time, it’s not a big deal,
but when I am at my desk, it creates quite the awkward moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can do nothing more than pray that
nobody walks by my office right then and gets the wrong impression.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit;">As she was under my desk today, fumbling
around with the extension cord, I thought to myself “This is ridiculous,
there’s got to be a better way”, as I’m sure she must find this even more
awkward than I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I offered a
suggestion, and said “You know, you can pull it out if you want to.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: inherit;">There was a momentary
pause, then she slowly backed out from under my desk, and stood up with her cheeks
rosy red. It was right then that I
realized what I had just said. I
immediately clarified “THE EXTENSION CORD!! YOU CAN PULL OUT THE EXTENSION CORD!!!” I laughed out loud at the
misunderstanding. She did not, and
an awkward moment just became a little more awkward.</span>
<br />
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"><br /></span>Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-30292090180372215142012-07-30T19:26:00.000-04:002012-07-30T19:26:53.180-04:00Urban Cowboy<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt;">The door swung open, and
there stood a man, but this was no ordinary man. Dressed in his finest cowboy boots, blue jeans, oversized
belt buckle, tasselled shirt, and black cowboy hat, it was clear to all that he
meant business. Everyone stopped
dead in their tracks, all eyes turned in his direction, and he knew it. There was a long pause, and an eerie
silence, as us city-folk aren't used to seeing his kind around these parts. As if to say “Howdy”, he
gave a quick tip of his hat, then proceeded to enter the building. Ka-chink… ka-chink… ka-chink, his spurs
rattled with each step as he moseyed on up to the counter. “Ma’am” he said, “gimme two slices of
your finest pepperoni pizza, to go”.
Without saying a word, and seemingly trying to avoid making eye contact, she went right to work. He massaged and
shaped his moustache while he waited. Everyone
else remained quiet, frozen in place, not sure what to make of this urban
cowboy. Upon being handed the
brown paper bag containing his two slices, he nodded his head, and said “Why
thank-ya ma’am”, before turning around and making his way to the door. Ka-chink… ka-chink… ka-chink…, he
opened the door and turned around to face me and the other patrons. “Y’all have a nice day”, he said, tipping
his hat once more, before stepping through, and allowing the door to close behind him. We watched as he walked across the parking lot, opened his
car door, and drove off in his blue Ford Taurus. As the room slowly returned to normal, and people went back
to eating their lunch, I overheard others asking one another “Did that really
just happen?” I sat alone, shaking
my head, asking myself… “Why do I keep coming back to this Pizza Pizza?” I know I've said it before, but I seriously need to start packing a
lunch. </span>Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-50577294466728950402012-07-19T19:08:00.000-04:002012-07-19T19:08:04.240-04:00Why Dave Matthews Band?I love Dave Matthews Band. If someone were to ask me to close my
eyes and describe my “happy place”, I’d be at the Gorge Amphitheatre in
Washington State, Leia at my side, listening to DMB play the first few chords
of the opening song, as the sun slowly sets behind the stage, and the stars
begin to light up the night sky.
I’ve had the great privilege of visiting my happy place several times
now, and look forward to going back again someday soon. There’s just something magical about
being there, the feeling you get in that very moment, that despite my best
efforts, cannot be described. If
you’ve been there, and experienced that moment I am referring to, then you
know.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I get asked all the time by family and
friends why I like DMB so much, and what it is that makes them so special. They do not understand how a band that
rarely gets their music played on the radio could have this sort of effect on
me, where I am willing to tattoo one of their logos permanently into my skin. It boggles their mind why I need to
wait until the summer tour dates are announced before I can make vacation
plans. They may have heard “Crash
Into Me” a few times, or the odd song here and there, but for the most part,
they don’t really know who DMB is.
I used to try to explain it to people, but I don’t anymore because quite
frankly, I can’t. I once bought my
brother a DMB cd (Live in Central Park), hoping that it would help him
understand. I later found out he
took it back to the store and exchanged it for Johnny Cash’s Greatest
Hits. I guess DMB isn’t for
everybody, and I’m okay with that.
I’m okay that you don’t get it.
I’m not here to recruit you, this isn’t a cult, but if you change your
mind, just know that everyone is welcome, and the door is always open for those
wanting to join us. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">I’ve been fortunate enough to travel and
experience DMB in many different venues throughout the United States and Canada. Many people think this is far too extreme
or borderline obsessive to spend the kind of money I do following a group of
musicians around the Country. Some
people think I’m crazy. What they
don’t know is that amongst DMB fans, this type of behaviour is not the least
bit uncommon. Going to see DMB
eight times in eight different venues over the course of a summer is, believe
it or not, normal. There’s nothing
strange about it to a DMB fan, and trust me when I say there are many fans that
have seen far more shows than I could ever dream to. Although the cities and venues may change along the way,
there are several constants regardless of where you are that you can count on
at every DMB show. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Tailgating is a DMB tradition. The hard core fans of DMB are extremely
loyal, not just to the band, but also to the DMB family of friends they have
interacted with along the way. As
I mentioned earlier, since travelling to shows is very common, pre-show
tailgate parties are often seen as a reunion of sorts that many fans look
forward to each summer, an opportunity to not only meet old friends, but also
make new ones. Going to a DMB show
is not simply something to do, it’s an experience. The opening act takes the stage at 7:00pm, with DMB
beginning their set at 8:25pm, but the experience begins much earlier than
that. Vehicles are often customized
with DMB stickers, hand written lyrics and firedancers before the keys are even
in the ignition. As soon as the
venue parking lot gates are opened, the fans pour in with canopies, barbeques, frisbees,
footballs, an assortment of drinking games, and of course alcohol and other
herbal mind enhancers. The sounds
and smells are intoxicating, and for those few hours, nothing in the outside
world matters. It’s all about the
here and now. Canadian venues
don’t have tailgating worthy of mentioning, but our neighbours to the south
have perfected the art of it. If
you only go to a DMB show just for the actual show itself, you’ll still have an
awesome time, but that’s not the true experience. I highly recommend arriving early, and taking the time to
soak it all in.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Once inside the venue, many will take to
their seats right away, or at least find a place to stand as 7:00pm
approaches. Dave Matthews always
comes out at 7:00pm to say a few words and introduce the opening act. DMB fans cannot get enough of
“Davespeak”, which is the awkwardly hilarious way in which Dave often expresses
himself. After sharing a few
laughs and with big smiles on our faces, Dave welcomes the opening band and the
live music portion of the experience begins. By this point barely half of the attendees are in their
seats, with the remainder still walking around, listening to the opening band,
chatting with friends, etc… The
opening act generally plays for roughly 45 minutes, and during this time,
people in the pit (ie. general admission area just in front of the stage)
jockey for position, while those in the reserved seats and lawn section are able
to take a slightly more laid back approach to the evening’s festivities. Without fail, you can count on watching
a dancing girl or two bouncing around vigorously to the opening act right up front
and centre in the reserved seats, taking advantage of the extra space that is
afforded during this time, gaining the attention and acknowledgement from the
band.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Once the opening act has ended their set, the
roadies and stage crew appear from every direction in a frantic yet organized
manner to switch out the instruments, and make any final adjustments to the
lights and video screens. Many
from the crew have been with the band for years, so we recognize their faces,
and even know some of them by name.
The crowd files in to take their seats, having loaded up on their
refreshments of choice, and the traditional pre-show vacuuming of the stage
notifies all that DMB will soon be entering the building. Fans begin trading guesses about what
the opening song will be based on the guitar that has been placed upon the
stage. 6-string or 12-string, we
go through the possibilities song by song. Excitement continues to build, and the buzz within the venue
gets increasingly louder. The
lights turn off, the house music ends, and everyone takes to their feet, with absolutely
no intention of sitting back down for the next 2½ to 3 hours. Nobody sits at a DMB concert. Applause thunders down, getting even
louder the moment the first band member is spotted walking onto the darkened
stage. One after another the band
members appear, taking their usual positions. Boyd and Tim to the left, Dave and Carter in the centre,
Stefan, Rashawn and Jeff to the right.
They wave to the crowd. The
crowd roars with anticipation.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">With the lights still low, the cheers of
the crowd reverberating throughout the venue, the band members all turn to face
Carter, for he is the pilot sitting in his cockpit of percussion. On his mark, the band begins, and a
wall of sound and light explodes over the crowd. All it takes is one note, the crowd immediately recognizes
the song, and begins dancing rhythmically to the music. The show is not choreographed, there
are no dancers, no set changes, no costumes, there are minimal bells and
whistles. Lip-syncing or backing
tracks? Pfft, I think not. This is truly about the music, pure
music, and nothing more. There are
only two rules when attending a DMB show:
1. Have fun; and 2. Don’t do anything that will take away from the fun of those
around you. We’d prefer that you
leave your beach balls and glow sticks at home, but if you just can’t help
yourself, please do not throw them in the direction of the stage. Everyone expresses themselves
differently, but all are there for the same purpose… the love of the music.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">One song after another, the band makes
their way through the ever-changing setlist, while the crowd dances the night
away, and that distinctive herbal scent fills the air. No two setlists are ever the same, every
show is different, each containing an element of surprise, and the rarer the
songs the better. DMB fans know
all the songs, every note, and every word, even when Dave periodically
forgets. Nobody expects
perfection. Perfection isn’t real. We want what’s real. Boyd tearing up the stage with his
violin during a killer version of “Tripping Billies” is real. Stefan bouncing around with his bass at
the beginning of “Anyone Seen the Bridge” is real. Dave dancing in the way that only Dave can dance is
real. Jeff playing two saxophones
at the same time is real. Songs
just 4 minutes long on an album are enhanced into 20 minute masterpieces,
showcasing the skills of each band member along the way. Dave Matthews may be the lead singer
and namesake of the band, but this is about more than just him, and he’ll be
the first to admit it. The
musicianship within this band is second to none, with each member equally important
to the overall sound. More than
anything, DMB is real. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">At around 10:40pm give or take, the band ends
their set and takes their encore break, lasting 5 minutes or so. The crowd cheers loudly the entire time,
still on their feet, but wanting to show their appreciation to the band that
has given them so much. Sore feet
will heal tomorrow, the memories will last a lifetime. Dave often returns to the stage alone,
picks up his guitar, and plays a heartfelt solo version of one of the band’s
quieter songs. The rest of the
band then joins him, and depending on the particular venue, plays one or two
more songs, frequently continuing past the 11:00pm curfew. Some songs are better closers than
others, and DMB rarely disappoints.
“Two Step” is a particular favourite of mine, especially when Carter
takes control of the stage with a masterful drum solo which gets you thinking
that maybe, just maybe, the boys will throw caution to the wind and transition
into “Halloween”. It rarely
happens, but when it does, it’s a treat.
Alas as all good things must, the show comes to an end. The house lights come on, the band
waves goodbye, and one by one they leave the stage, all except for Carter, who
remains for several more minutes to toss a seemingly endless supply of
drumsticks to appreciative members of the crowd. The applause slowly subsides as everyone makes their way to
the exits, and the countdown begins until the next time we get to do it all
over again. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">DMB is best experienced live and in person,
where you can expose all five of your senses to that which is going on around
you. That is when they are at
their best. That is where the
magic happens. Why do I like DMB
so much? I don’t know, I just do. I don’t expect you to understand. And that’s okay.</span><br />
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com56tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2290033106501850436.post-29325031221011241822012-07-18T20:10:00.001-04:002012-07-18T20:10:04.875-04:00Journey to HellWe’ve all been there, we all hate it, but
somehow in spite of the overwhelming feeling of dread we get at the very
thought of it, it keeps drawing us back time and time again. I am of course talking about the
Hell-on-Earth known as Costco.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">From the moment you arrive in the jam
packed parking lot, you know the next two hours of your life are going to be completely
miserable. There is no such thing
as a “quick” trip to Costco. During
your quarter-mile hike from your car to the entrance, you scramble to find an
oversized shopping cart, before finally reaching the long line up of people
waiting to funnel into the building.
But they don’t just let anybody in, oh no, you have to be a confirmed
member, part of the exclusive club that is granted the esteemed privilege of
shopping at this store. With a
secret handshake, a knowing nod of the head, and a quick flash of your
membership card, you are herded through the doors like cattle, and handed a
flyer with today’s list of sale items. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">The bumper cart derby begins immediately as
you make your way past the televisions and electronics section, just trying to
get away from the masses so that you can take a moment to strategize, figure
out where you need to go, and how best to get there. Alas, there is no relief. You look to your left, then to your right. There are people in every direction, a
sea of humanity all in search of a bargain. Adding to the ever-present congestion, some idiot executive decided
to place food sample counters at the end of each aisle, where hoards of shoppers park their shopping carts and plunk themselves down as though
waiting for their sandwich at a deli.
This isn’t lunch people!!
Take your tiny cup of yogurt, and move along!!! Images of taking a running start and ploughing
your cart through the crowd fill your head as you decide whether a single
tortellini on a toothpick is worth the wait, or whether it is best to just
continue on before you lose it on the lady that keeps stepping
in front of you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">You begin to fill the cart with your bulk
items of choice, all the while scoping out others as they do the same. You judge others based on the items
they have selected, and wonder what could possibly motivate someone to buy a
100 pack of toilet paper, until you see the food items they’ve buried beneath,
and gain the understanding you were searching for. Aisle after aisle you dodge and weave your way through the
crowds. By the time you are
halfway through the store you are so filled with rage that it takes all your
strength not to abandon your cart and just run far, far away, but then you
arrive at the baked good section, and it smells delicious. A momentary oasis in a jungle of
hate. You ask yourself whether you
can realistically get through all 84 bran muffins before the expiry date 4 days
from now. There’s no denying that
the price is right, so you and three others each grab a corner, and bending at
the knees, lift the box into your cart.
Challenge accepted. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">The temporary bakery buzz quickly subsides
though, and your voice becomes hoarse from yelling “excuse me!” As much as you’d love to wet your
whistle with a shot of that peach juice they’re handing out samples of over
there, the large family that has been seemingly following you since the
moment you arrived has somehow pushed their way through and set up camp at the
front of the line. You decide to
go for it anyway, temporarily leave your cart aside, and bounce shoulder to
shoulder through the food sample mosh pit. As you get closer, your eyes focused on the single remaining
tiny paper cup, you see the hairy arm of the father reach in to grasp it,
before gulping back his third helping.
Noooooooooooo!!! You son-of-a-bitch!!!!!!!!
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Defeated and juiceless, you return to your
cart, desperately just wanting to get this whole misadventure over with. Having long since lost your last
remaining ounce of patience way back in the furniture section, you use your
cart to nudge children and the elderly out of your way, clearing a path just
wide enough to squeeze your cart through.
You skip the remaining aisles, choosing instead to just head towards the
cashier section so that you can get the hell out of there. Somehow though, you end up in the
pharmaceutical area, unknowingly having taken a wrong turn somewhere along the
way. A sea of heads all around
you, you climb up onto the skid of adult diaper boxes to survey the lay of the land,
and realign yourself in the direction of the exit. When you finally arrive, a mass of people with overloaded
shopping carts surround the cashiers.
In the absence of anything resembling an orderly line, you place
yourself at the mercy of those in front of you, praying that they are in the
check-out line, and not the line to purchase an overcooked hot dog from the nearby
Costco restaurant. A wall of
granola bar and snack mix boxes behind you eliminates any thoughts of retreat. There is nothing more you can do, but
wait.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">30 minutes later, your will to live nearing extinction, you empty the contents of your shopping cart onto the conveyor
belt. The extra large cashier in
the medium size Costco shirt, greets you.
“Hi, how are you today? Did
you find everything you were looking for?” she asks. Rather than demonstrate your proficient use of four-letter
words and express how you really feel, you simply reply “Yes, thank you”. We are Canadian afterall. She swipes each item along the
electronic scanner, waits for the audible “beep”, then places each item back
into the cart, each time exposing a portion of her tramp-stamp tattoo. You don’t want to look, but you can’t
help it. You try to figure out
what it says, but the combination of her too-tight shirt and muffin-top body squeezes
out just enough skin to make the distorted writing very difficult to read, at
least while she’s moving around like that. It doesn’t matter.
All that matters is that this nightmare is almost over. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-CA">Having successfully completed the
transaction, you frustratingly find yourself once again separated from the exit
by another long line of people. As
you shuffle along, you get a closer look at those over-cooked hot dogs, and the
people that enjoy them. You see
that same large family from earlier cutting back into the food service
line to argue with the counter staff over the amount of french fries that were
included in their combo, while leaving their cart directly in the way of those
trying to get out, oblivious to the dirty looks aimed in their direction. As you get closer to the exit you are
approached by part-time wannabe Customs Agents, demanding to see your
receipt. They scan through your
cart as through you’re a criminal, looking for something to nail you on. Finding that everything is in order, they
seem disappointed as they stamp your passport and allow you out of the People’s
Republic of Costco. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt;">Several steps later you are
free, and an overwhelming feeling of relief overtakes your body as you breathe
in that fresh air. You pause to
take several deep inhalations. The
birds sing, and the sun gently caresses your face. The quarter mile walk back to your car albeit long, is a
pleasant one. As you walk in the
opposite direction of another wave of slouching zombies making their way
towards the entrance. You stand
tall. You stand proud. For you have been to Hell and back, and lived to tell about it. </span><br />
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>Davehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13890590176324418279noreply@blogger.com2