Everybody loves
vacation! Really, that’s what we
work for, isn’t it? To scratch and
save some of our hard earned money for an opportunity to escape reality for
just a little while? For most of
us with the “work to live, not live to work” mindset, those 2 to 3 weeks each
year where we get to enjoy not working are the best 2 to 3 weeks of our
year. That’s as good as it gets,
really. The other 95% of our year
sucks! Oh there will be plenty who
will say they enjoy working, or that may try and take the politically correct high
road and say you need to enjoy each day to the fullest, but deep down, we all
know they’re lying. Stop lying. Stop lying to yourself, you’re not
fooling anyone. Really, when it
all boils down, life is quite simple.
Work sucks, vacations are awesome... and then you die.
Due to the
unfortunate reality that we only get to truly enjoy 5% of our time, where
that’s all we have in terms of availability for vacations, when you do finally
save up enough money to take one, you want to enjoy it! I mean you REALLY want to enjoy
it! The thoughts and excitement of
that upcoming vacation can get you through months of monotonous and aggravating
work, the carrot dangling at the end of the stick that gives you just enough
motivation to get out of bed each morning, and do it all over again the next
day, and the day after that, and the day after that, etc…
While some are
fortunate enough to travel several times a year, others can only afford to
travel once every few years, if that.
It’s not fair, but that’s the way it is. That’s reality, and as we all know, reality sucks, which is
why we want that vacation so bad in the first place! Vacations are the escape!! Sure, recreational use of drugs and alcohol may come in
handy in between vacations, but vacations… that’s where it’s at!! So when the day finally comes, when
your bags are packed, and you head off to the airport for your much awaited
opportunity to not have to work for a week, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to
have high hopes and expectations.
You’ve earned this! I mean,
you’ve REALLY earned this!!
Of course in
order to travel to your destination of choice, to minimize the travel time and
maximize the fun, you must often fly.
We all watch the television commercials, where airlines show off their
spacious interiors, filled with happy, smiling people, who look oh so
comfortable. We want to be those
people. We’ve worked hard to be
those people. We’ve paid a lot of
money to be those people. We can’t
wait to be those people!
Airline
television commercials unfortunately are no different than fast-food hamburger
commercials, where the companies have spent gobs and gobs of money to make
their product look incredibly delicious.
In reality, airline travel is the hamburger that you really get. Not the delicious television
hamburgers, no, the real ones.
Where the pickles are falling out, the sesame seed bun is rock hard, and
there’s sauce squirting out everywhere!
Airlines have it
all wrong. Our comfort is not
their top priority. Our experience
has been sacrificed so that they can make a few extra dollars. We’re not customers, we’re cattle. And not the happy cattle out at pasture
either, chomping away carelessly on grass. No, we’re the cattle jammed into the back of a semi trailer
rocketing down the highway with some other cow’s poop on our leg, on the way to
God knows where. The moment you
set foot in the airport, you know this isn’t going to be good.
Despite having
to provide ample advanced information online to “help speed up the process”, we
still end up waiting in long lines.
That’s why they ask us to be there up to 3 hours in advance. We line up for our boarding pass. We line up to drop off our
luggage. Oh, I have to pay you
another $50 per bag for the privilege of flying on your airline? Gee thanks! Because I haven’t spent enough money already, and I’m not
even on the plane yet!! We line up
for security. We walk through
those fancy new X-Ray machines where they pretty much get to see us naked. Okay, I don’t know if that’s true, but
I just imagine there are people somewhere in a dark room watching us,
snickering away as they eat a bag of potato chips. We spend good money on bad food. We wait in over-crowded areas with screaming babies, not
enough seating, and weird foreigners until we can board the plane. Are we having fun yet? Did we really pay money for this? We re-assure ourselves that it will all
be worth it. Yup… it will all be
worth it.
When they
finally announce that it’s time to board the airplane, we breathe a sigh of
relief. We feel that our vacation
can finally begin. We finally get
our chance to be one of those happy, smiling people that we see in those
television commercials. Ahhhh….
this is going to be fantastic! The
life of luxury awaits. They call
our row number, scan our ticket, and we make our way down the long jetway to
the airplane. Upon entering the airplane
however, we notice that something isn’t quite right. We see a long line of people ahead of us, all jockeying for position,
trying to shove their oversized carry-on bags into the overhead bins. Oh I get it, they didn’t want to pay
the $50 checked luggage fee, so they thought they’d beat the system and make
their needs more important than everyone else’s by taking up the space of three
normal sized carry-on bags by jamming in their one enormous hockey bag. Thanks so much, that’s very considerate
of you. Too bad those 15 airline
representatives you passed along the way didn’t happen to notice, or perhaps couldn’t
be bothered to enforce the maximum carry-on size regulations. That’s just lovely.
As you slowly
make your way down the aisle, you can’t help but notice… hey, nobody’s
smiling. This isn’t like the
commercials. This isn’t like the
commercials at all! You place your
carry-on bag in the compartment 4 rows in front of your actual seats, as you
can see that the compartment above your seats is already overflowing. You squeeze yourself into your seat, realize
you’re sitting on your seat belt which you’ll shortly need to dig out, and then
for those choosing to place their carry-on bag underneath the seat in front of
them, due to the extremely limited space you contort yourself into strange and
awkward positions in an attempt to cram your bag far enough under the seat that
you won’t be harassed by the flight attendants as they walk by. With any luck, that muscle you just pulled
in your back will heal by the time you land. If you’re over 5’-10” tall, your knees are jammed into the
back of the seat in front of you. The
pain is tolerable, but it’s pain nonetheless. It’s hot. For
some reason the air conditioning never seems to work properly when the plane is
on the ground. In the air you
sometimes get a polar vortex blast of cold air, but on the ground,
nothing. You fumble to reach that
little pinhole that sprays warm air in the general vicinity of where you’re
sitting. A bead of sweat slowly
makes its way down the side of your face.
Sitting
uncomfortably in your cramped seat, you wait, and watch the chaos all around
you. You secretly pray that the
woman holding the crying baby walking towards you in the aisle is not sitting
behind you, or that the 300lb man a few people behind her doesn’t have a ticket
for the seat right next to you. Can
you smell that? Who smells like
cigarette butts and curry? I hope
those stinky people aren’t sitting anywhere near me either. You’re going to be in close quarters
with these people for the next few hours, so understandably and shamelessly,
you have every right to hope for the best.
Once everyone
eventually finds their seats, and you’ve determined that your seatmates are
moderately tolerable, there’s a moment of calm. That pinhole of warm air still washing across your face, you
watch the flight attendants walk up and down the aisles checking to ensure your
seat is in the upright position, that your seatbelts are securely fastened, and
that your carry-on baggage is safely stowed. They do the little presentation skit about the safety
features on the aircraft, demonstrate how to use the seatbelt for anyone not
intelligent enough to have figured that out already, and pretend to blow into a
deflated life vest. Nobody
watches. We’re all still partially
squirming around trying to figure out which seating position is most
comfortable.
The airplane slowly
taxis to the runway, and after waiting for a few airplanes ahead of us to take
off, it’s our turn. Our heart
beats a little faster, and despite the annoyances that have occurred thus far,
the excitement of knowing that we’re leaving for vacation quickly returns. The throttle engaged, we feel the roaring
thrust of the jet engines, and sink deep into our seats. The nose of the airplane gently rises,
and within moments we are airborne, watching the tiny cars of those less
fortunate souls down below, on their way to or from work. We smile, knowing we’re not one of
them. Most days we are, but not
today. Nope. Not today. Because vacation!
Reaching the
desired flight altitude, the airplane levels and the seatbelt sign turns off,
indicating that while you should still wear your seatbelt at all times, it is
now safe to turn on your electronic devices. Ahhhh… we’re on our way… we’re on vacation… nothing to do
but enjoy the ride. In a few hours
we’ll reach our destination, and all will be right in the world. Your eyes closed, you listen to your
headphones, as your mind wanders in anticipation of the sheer awesomeness that awaits
upon your arrival. Your escape
from reality, your well deserved break from all the responsibilities and
frustration that you experience on a daily basis, the moment you have been
waiting for, that you have worked so hard to obtain. Alas, that moment of bliss does not last long. OUCH!!! YOU LITTLE MOTHER F*&KER!!! That 5ft nothing asshole in front of you suddenly reclines
their seat directly into your unsuspecting knees!!!! You selfish son of a bitch!!!
Nothing
irritates me more than those who recline their seats. With how closely airlines have crammed the seats together,
space is already limited enough.
Severely limited. A complete
lack of space. Sardines come to
mind. But come on people, we’re
all in this together; let’s try to make this work! I don’t recline my seat, ever, all for the greater
good. I don’t want to put the
person behind me in a less comfortable situation, and I expect the same from
the person in front of me. It’s
called courtesy. That’s why it
drives me absolutely up a wall bat-shit crazy when the shorter person in the
seat in front of me puts their needs before mine, and without any regard to my
comfort, reclines their seat into my space. The seat doesn’t even recline that far, offering minimal
additional comfort to those selfish few, but results in maximum discomfort for
the person behind, whose already severely limited space just got that much
smaller, and that much more uncomfortable.
I’m 6’-4”
tall. While I acknowledge I am slightly
above average height, I’m by no means a giant. I barely fit in the seat as it is. By the time I get off an airplane, I have indents in my
knees that won’t go away for another two days. Flying is not comfortable for me, but I do it anyway because
I love travelling. Let me clarify,
I love travelling for the foreign destinations, not the actual act of
travelling to those destinations.
I’m very fortunate to have the opportunity to travel several times a
year, with most trips requiring air travel. For some reason though, without fail, I always end up with a
“recliner” in front of me. Nobody
else within eyesight reclines their seat, except for the person in front of me. Why is it always me? This triggers something in me that I’m
not proud of, but it’s a truth I must face. The moment the person in front of me reclines their seat, I
turn into an irate 12 year old. They’ve
made me extremely uncomfortable, so you better believe I am going to do the
same to them!
I dig my knees
into the back of their chair and violently nudge them forward, repeatedly, to
the point where I can see them physically being tossed about, head snapping
forwards and backwards with each blow.
With their reclined inconsiderate heads practically resting in my lap, I
blow into their hair, and breathe on them; fog up their glasses, trying to
demonstrate that by reclining their seat, the back of their head is barely 12
inches from the front of mine. Are
you comfortable? I hope not,
because neither am I! I’ll order a
carbonated beverage from the flight attendant for no other reason than to
generate burps, which I can then aim in the direction of their nasal cavity. I pull out a single strand of errant hair. All very immature, I know. Like I said, I’m not proud of my
actions, but despite the un-approving glances from my wife sitting next to me,
using her slightly muffled angry voice directing me to stop, I can’t help
myself. This is war. The onslaught continues, because hey,
I’m not going anywhere, and I’ve got nothing but time. The tantrum ceases only upon the seats
return to its upright position, which usually does eventually happen when they
realize this isn’t going to stop, and we exchange the customary dirty looks. I shouldn’t do that. I don’t like that I do that. It’s the environment created by the
airlines that has brought this out in me.
I get it, we all
have the ability to recline our seats, and I could just as easily do the same,
but just because we can do something, doesn’t mean we should. The only, and I mean only,
exception to this rule is when you’re on an overnight flight. That is the only time reclining your
seat should be permitted. There’s
an etiquette to airline travel, or at least there should be, where we all work
together to minimize the discomfort and aggravation to the collective group. It’s easy to be selfish, but we must
all think of the greater good. For
those few hours, we should be able to make reasonable efforts to ensure our
actions do not negatively impact those around us. The airlines do not do this for us, in fact they seem to
intentionally stack the cards against us as though there are hidden television
cameras placed throughout the cabin and we’re all on some sort of twisted
reality program where viewers at home watch dysfunctional human interaction as
it’s finest. All the more reason
for us, airline passengers, to take it upon ourselves to optimize the flying
experience for all.
Don’t bring
smelly food onto the airplane.
Keep your children under control.
Don’t kick the seat in front of you. Don’t recline your seat into the person’s lap behind
you. Don’t encroach upon your
neighbour’s limited personal space in any way. Don’t speak loudly.
Don’t nudge each seat while walking through the aisle to the
lavatory. Don’t take your shoes
off. Don’t wear overpowering
cologne or perfume on the day of the flight. Be patient.
Don’t drink too much. If
you have a small bladder, don’t drink at all. Don’t get in the way of the flight attendants during drink
service. Don’t stand in the aisle
to stretch in a position that places your ass within inches of anyone’s
face. Don’t clip your fingernails
or toenails. Don’t repeatedly
remove/return articles from your carry-on in the overhead compartment. Basically, the more still you can be,
the more silent you can be, and the more invisible you can be, to the point
where people hardly realize you’re even there, the better.
Eventually you
do reach your destination, the airplane lands, you taxi to your arrival gate,
and chaos once again ensues.
Despite clear instructions to remain in your seats with your seatbelts
on until the seatbelt sign is turned off, people once again show how stupid
they really are by standing up to retrieve their overhead carry-on baggage
ahead of everyone else, or trying to get to the lavatory one last time. There is absolutely no reason why
getting off the plane should be difficult. Just be patient, follow the etiquette of letting those in
front of you out of their seats first, and generally remain calm. Eventually the herd thins, and you make
your way off the plane, thank the flight attendants only because they said
thank you first and you don’t want to be rude, walk the jetway one more time,
and try to find faces you recognize from the flight that you can follow down to
the luggage pick-up area.
The luggage
pick-up area however is another area where human nature is not exactly at its
finest. We’ve all heard about or
experienced the joys of the airlines losing our luggage, but for the most part
the luggage does tend to arrive without incident. For some reason though, many people feel the need to gather
several rows deep right at the location where the conveyor belt shoots out the
luggage onto the carousel. They
then push their way violently through the crowd upon seeing their suitcase, punting
women and small children aside as though someone’s going to steal it. Why not spread out? There’s plenty of room, just take a
deep breath, relax, and let your luggage come to you. The luggage carousel was designed for that single
purpose. It will bring your bags
right to where you are standing. No
need to push. No need to jockey
for position. Nobody’s going to
steal your precious t-shirts and socks.
We all want to ensure we retrieve our own suitcase, and make it a habit
to check the luggage tags before leaving the airport, so the chances of someone
walking off with your suitcase are very slim. If this is something that you really lose sleep over, just
buy a funky design/colour suitcase.
There are plenty designs to choose from. Rest assured, nobody wants your weird giraffe print
suitcase.
Really, you
don’t get a chance to relax until you physically leave the airport. That’s when the vacation can really
begin, when all the worries and stresses just melt away. Ahhh… vacation… the best days of the
year, the memories that last a lifetime, the good times that make up for the
bad. These are the days you’ll look
back on when you’re older and cherish.
Enjoy it as much as you can, because before you know it, you’re back to
the airport, back on the airplane, and back to reality. Dammit.