Microwaved
Fish
The lunch room is often the scene of many
horrific offenses to the senses, and you can’t help but feel sorry for the poor
bastard whose desk is closest to it.
As if the daily grind wasn’t motivation enough to leave all your
possessions behind, move to a tropical island, and sell coconuts along the
beach, you’ve got to deal with the wafting odour of burnt popcorn, a cornucopia of ethnic
spices, and the overpowering stench of microwaved fish. If you routinely prepare fish or curry dishes at home, and
don’t really notice much of a smell, then I’ve got news for you… your house
stinks, and you probably do too. You might be a very nice person, but it’s important that you
know your neighbours talk about you, and wish you’d just move away. Your office-mates are no different, and
would really prefer that you not bring in your malodorous leftovers. You may have grown accustomed to the
smell at home, but believe me when I tell you that everyone in the office is offended
by the scent of what you’re eating, they’re just too polite to say anything… at least to
your face. Everyone knows certain
foods create a foul odour in the office, yet every day in every office in the
world, another moron waddles into the lunch room with their little Tupperware
container, ready to commit another nostril punishing offense.
Birthday
Celebrations
We’ve all been faced with this
dilemma. Every so often the office
“Goody-Two-Shoes” will come around and place a birthday card on your desk for
some co-worker you couldn’t care less about, asking you to sign it. Coming up with something to write in a
card for a family member you love and care about is enough of a chore, let
alone for someone you barely know.
Through the years I’ve conditioned my brain to go into autopilot every
time this happens, and have therefore written “Happy Birthday, hope it’s a good
one!” in more cards than I care to remember. Whatever requires the least amount of effort and will get
that card off my desk in the fastest time is about as far as I’m willing to go. I don’t even care that ten other people
have written the exact same thing.
It’s even worse when they include an envelope, asking you to make a
donation to the alleged gift fund.
Nothing screams “I’m only doing this because I have to” like the sound
of my change hitting the other coins at the bottom of the envelope. The only reason there are ever $5
dollar bills in there is because others before you needed coffee money, and did
a little swap-er-roo. The eventual
presentation of the birthday cake is the epitome of office awkwardness. Everyone gathers around knowing that
whatever time is wasted on this grand celebration just means they’ll have to
stay that much later at the end of the day to complete their work, while trying
to stay far enough back from the action so that people won’t recognize that
they’re not singing. With the “Goody-Two-Shoes”
ringleader standing next to the mortified birthday celebrant, the pathetic
singing of Happy Birthday begins, with about as much enthusiasm as a non-church
goer singing a hymn. Once the excruciating
pain of that moment mercifully comes to an end, they cut the cake, which is
always way too small and is never the kind you like. But you eat your two bites of cake anyway, listen to someone
try to make a joke about this imaginary sugar rush getting them through the
rest of the day, then go back to your desk dreading the thought that your
birthday is next.
Company
Christmas Party
Next to Halloween, nothing brings out the
inner slut of your female co-workers like the office Christmas party. It may be the middle of winter, and you
may question the appropriateness, but one thing that you can always count on is
a lot of exposed skin. Once the
first drunken girl with the short skirt falls over and gives everyone a great
big eyeful of vagina, the party has officially begun. Don’t worry if you missed it either, because now that
everyones cell phones have cameras, her “inbox” will very likely land in yours before the
party is even over! Office
Christmas parties have a very strange effect on people. Although you’ve just spent the last 52
weeks working side by side with these people, when you arrive at the party, the
greetings are more along the lines of what you would expect if you were
reuniting with a long lost friend.
Scenes of double cheek kisses and awkward handshakes are aplenty, and if
it wasn’t for the complimentary drinks, the phoniness of it all would be nearly
unbearable. The only reason people
stay beyond the first hour is either because their boss hasn’t left yet, they
want to see who hooks up with who, or to witness the crowning of the “Drunken
Disaster Queen”. There’s always at
least one.
I could go on and on, as the office provides an endless list of reasons to take up binge drinking, but it's almost 5 o'clock, and I'd prefer not to stay any later than absolutely necessary.
I could go on and on, as the office provides an endless list of reasons to take up binge drinking, but it's almost 5 o'clock, and I'd prefer not to stay any later than absolutely necessary.
Oh, my heavens! I've been out of corporate America for more than 10 years - and you just dragged me back into the pit.
ReplyDeleteRun, man, run!