Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Halloween Contradictions

For Children

Typical Day:  Don’t take candy from strangers.
Halloween:  Go take candy from strangers.

Typical Day:  Just be yourself.  You’re great just the way you are!
Halloween:  Don’t be yourself, that’s no good.  Be someone different, someone way better and more interesting than you’ll ever be.

Typical Day:  You’re too young to wear make-up.
Halloween:  Hey, you’re young, put on make-up.

Typical Day:  Don’t eat too much sugar.
Halloween:  EAT SUGAR!!

Typical Day:  Come inside once it gets dark, I don’t want you wandering the streets.
Halloween:  Go outside once it gets dark, and wander the streets.

Typical Day:  Here, eat an apple, it’s good for you.
Halloween:  Don’t eat that apple, it might not be good for you.

Typical Day:  Don’t take that pillowcase outside.
Halloween:  Here, take this pillowcase outside.

Typical Day:  Candy is not good for you.
Halloween:  Is that all you got?  Go out and get more candy!

Typical Day:  Can you please pick up some eggs on your way home from school?
Halloween:  Hey Bucko, where do you think you’re going with those eggs?

For Adults

Typical Day:  Don’t dress too provocatively, you need to look respectful.
Halloween:  Pfft… that’s not nearly slutty enough!  You need to show more skin!

Typical Day:  I hope the weather is nice today.
Halloween:  I hope it’s cold and rainy so no kids come to my door.

Typical Day:  Hmmm… chocolate is on sale… oh I better not…
Halloween:  Hmmm… maybe I better buy another couple boxes of these little chocolate bars, just in case an unexpected busload of children show up at my door.  It could happen you know.  It could.

Typical Day:  This pumpkin will be a nice fall decoration on my porch.
Halloween:  If I catch that little prick that smashed my pumpkin on my driveway, I’m going to wring his freakin’ neck!!

Typical Day:  It will be a cold day in Hell when you’ll see me wearing those green tights.
Halloween:  Honey, do you remember where I put my green tights?

Typical Day:  Let’s turn on some lights, it’s too dark in here.
Halloween:  Turn off the lights!  If the neighbourhood kids don’t think we’re home, maybe they won’t ring the doorbell.

Typical Day:  Rocky Horror Picture Show is a weird movie.
Halloween:  “Let’s do the time warp again!!!!!!”

Typical Day:  It’s not okay to scare small children.
Halloween:  I’m gonna scare the shit outta those little fuckers!!  It’s gonna be awesome!!


Thursday, October 25, 2012


So who’s drinking the peach drink anyway?  You know, that orange liquid cascading in the clear plastic dispenser behind the cashier at your local coffee shop, the level of which never changes.  Ever.  I mean really, is it so popular that nearly every coffee shop feels the need to have this stuff readily available to their customers?  I’ve never seen anyone order it.  I’m fearful of even trying it at this point, as I can only imagine what years of evaporation have done to the sugar concentration.  They probably give away a free diabetes home test with every glass just as a precaution, but only after you’ve signed the waiver!  The Surgeon General won’t even take a sip!  I’m sure there’s someone out there reading this right now and muttering to their cat “Hey, I like that peach drink!  This guy’s a jerk!”

And what about those Eat-More candy bars?  You know, the dusty ones on the bottom shelf at the convenience store, next to those small individual boxes of chocolate covered cherries.  Who’s eating those?  Seriously!  To this day I’m convinced they stopped making Eat-More candy bars 30 years ago, and the ones you see on the shelves now are the same ones you saw on the shelves as a kid, just a little dustier!

And when was the last time you ordered a Filet-O-Fish at McDonalds?  To the Executive “Chef” at McDonalds, here, take this thick black marker, cross the friggin’ fish stick sandwich off the menu, and replace it with something people might actually want to eat, like the McRib!!  And since you have the marker in your hand anyway, you may as well cross pickles off the list of ingredients that go into making the McRib!  There is nobody in this world that eats ribs and thinks to themselves, “Hmmm,  these ribs seem to be missing something… what could make them even better… oh I know… PICKLES!!”  That does not happen!  If you remove pickles from the McRib, maybe you could use that leftover pickle quota to put more than two on my cheeseburger!  Two tiny pickles is not enough, especially when your people stack them like two dimes so that out of my entire cheeseburger, I only get one bite with pickles!!

And then there’s Home Depot and Canadian Tire, both home improvement stores in Canada that are doing quite well in their chosen lines of business.  Not wanting to rest on their laurels however, and always looking for an edge over their competition, they’ve found a new item to sell in their stores which of course only makes perfect sense – SUCKERS!  What the??  What are these guys thinking?  Using the technology of an old-school artificial Christmas tree, they’ve cut a broom stick in half, drilled holes in it, and placed the sucker sticks into those holes.  So now every time you want to purchase a furnace filter or can of paint, you’ve got to manoeuvre around this large sucker tree!  And do you know why that sucker tree is always full of suckers?  BECAUSE NOBODY’S BUYING THEM!  And do you know why nobody is buying them?  BECAUSE YOU’RE A FRIGGIN’ HOME IMPROVEMENT STORE!!!


Sunday, October 21, 2012

99 Bottles of Beer

We all know how the story begins, but how many of us actually know how it ends? 

99 Bottles of Beer – EXPOSED! 

99 bottles of beer on the wall
99 bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around,
98 bottles of beer on the wall.

And so the party begins.  Four friends sitting on old beat-up lawn chairs in a garage, sharing stories, remembering good times, and enjoying plenty of laughs. 

82 bottles of beer on the wall
82 bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around,
81 bottles of beer on the wall.

With a nice little buzz beginning to soften their senses, the volume of both the music and their stories slowly increases.  The funnel has been brought out of storage, and now swings from the ceiling, the beer pong table becoming increasingly moist.

69 bottles of beer on the wall
69 bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around
68 bottles of beer on the wall.

“CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!!!”  The party now in full swing, all four friends howl with laughter.  “Hey look what I found… Lawn Darts!!  We so gotta play this!!!”  “Are we seriously all out of chips?”  “Ohhhh Def Leppard!!!  Turn that up!!!”

46 bottles of beer on the wall
46 bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around
45 bottles of beer on the wall.

“Hahahahaha!!!!  Look at Bill!!!!!!” as Bill lays passed out in sitting in a blue recycling bin.  “Pfft… What a pussy!!!”  They take a black permanent marker and draw penis designs all over his forehead.  Finding his cell phone, they take photos, hack into his Facebook account, and post them.  “Hahahaha, we’re awesome!!” followed by a round of high fives.

29 bottles of beer on the wall
29 bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around
28 bottles of beer on the wall.

“LET’S GO STREAKING!!!!”  The three of them strip down and run bare-assed out into the night.

28 bottles of beer on the wall
28 bottles of beer
Thrown in jail, waiting for bail,
28 bottles of beer on the wall.

Bill’s cell phone rings, awakening him from his drunken stupor.  Sore back and all alone, he wonders where everyone went.  “Hello?” he mutters.  It’s one of his buddies filling him in on the little situation they’ve gotten themselves into, and asking him to come bail them out.  “You gotta come get us man!  And whatever you do, don’t tell my wife!”

28 bottles of beer on the wall
28 bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around
27 bottles of beer on the wall.

“Bad boys, bad boys, watcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you!” they sing loudly together, arms around one another, and now fully clothed and back in the safe confines of the garage.  “Oh I was totally not scared! Hahahaha, you were shitting your pants in there, but not me!!”  “I can’t pee when other people are watching, alright, and I really had to go.  Leave me alone!”  “You guys are assholes, why did you have to draw on my face?”

15 bottles of beer on the wall
15 bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around
14 bottles of beer on the wall.

“Was that fridge there the whole time?  Why is your beer on the wall, and not in the fridge?  Dipshit, no wonder the mountain isn’t blue!!!”  “No, you’re the dipshit!!  Go buy your own beer you fuckin’ mooch!!”  “Why didn’t you buy more chips?!!!”  “Who am I, your mother?!!”  “Hey, don’t you talk about my Mom like that!!!  I’ll kick your ass!!!”

1 bottle of beer on the wall
1 bottle of beer
Take it down, pass it around
No more bottles of beer on the wall.

“Sun’s starting to come up.  You wanna shot of tequila?”  “{{hiccup}}  Nah, I’m good... I think I’m gonna hurl…”  “Huh, what’s with all these Facebook messages?............ YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!”

The truth behind “99 bottles of beer on the wall”… regrettably, more shameful than glamorous.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Things I Did Not Need To Learn In Public School

Math.  Sure the basics come in handy, that is undeniable, but when was the last time you used a protractor?  When was the last time you used a compass?  If you think I’m talking about that little Boy Scout gadget that tells you which direction you’re facing, you’ve only proven my point further.  When was the last time you did long division, or multiplied fractions manually?  Do you even remember how?  I don’t.  If I have a math problem to solve, I’m not reaching for my pencil, I’m reaching for my calculator.  They have those now you know.  Number of times I’ve used a protractor since public school:  zero.   

Gymnastics.  In my public school for about one month each year the gymnasium was turned into a gymnastics museum where ancient relics were hauled out of storage and dusted off for us to admire, before finding out these were to be used for some sort of athletic purposes, all having the potential of causing us great bodily harm.  The spring board didn’t spring, the rope climb made me feel funny like I was going to wet my pants, and most of the “equipment” was actually wooden boxes with a thin layer of leather padding.  The scariest of all was the trampoline, especially for me being the tallest kid in the class.  Oh, did I mention the metal ceiling in our gym was only 20ft high!  Along with the anxiety of jumping on this thing without a helmet or neck brace, I did not have a great deal of confidence that my smaller classmates who surrounded all four sides of the trampoline with their arms up, would actually catch me should I mistakenly take an errant trajectory.  Number of times I’ve been on a trampoline since public school:  zero.

French.  I have nothing against people who know how to speak French, in fact I applaud their ability to do so.  I wish I knew how to speak French, but I don’t, and do you know how many problems that has caused for me during my lifetime thus far?  Absolutely none.  I’m pretty sure that if I was ever dropped off somewhere in downtown Paris, I could walk out of there with a tasty croissant.  Je ma pelle hungry.  Or whatever.  You know what I mean.  I’d do just fine.  Number of times I’ve spoken French since public school:  zero.

Art.  Simply by showing up to art class you should be guaranteed an A+.  Art is an expression of oneself, not something to be graded on.  But were you ever allowed to express yourself?  No.  Sure, the teacher would let us take turns sniffing the fruit scented markers repeatedly until we got a nice little buzz, but then just as our creative juices started flowing, she’d force us to twist a small square of tissue paper onto the end of our pencil, dab it in glue, and paste it to a piece of cardboard over and over again until we made something that resembled a turkey.  That seems unnecessary.  Number of times I’ve twisted a small square of tissue paper onto the end of my pencil, dabbed it in glue and pasted it to a piece of cardboard over and over again until I’ve made something that resembles a turkey since public school:  zero.

Pfft… waste-o-time.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

I'm An Adult Now

I’m a little early with this I suppose, but in another year and a bit, I’m going to be 40 years old.  I don’t consider myself old by any means, however as I approach this benchmark age I can’t help but think about the life experiences that have brought me to where I am today, and how my perspective on life has changed through the years.

Basketball was such an important part of my youth, and I remember running through the various drills during high school practice and the feeling I got after dunking over the opposition like they were yesterday.  But that wasn’t yesterday.  My last game was nearly 20 years ago.  I’ve barely touched a basketball since.  “Kids” who weren’t even born yet at that time, are now themselves graduating from high school.  It just kind of blows your mind when you stop to think about it.  Where did the last 20 years go?

Every morning when I wake up now, I get out of bed and hobble to the shower, working through the stiffness that has taken control of my ankles.  Multiple severely sprained ankles during my basketball playing days, and 20 years tacked on for good measure are surely to blame.  The stiffness goes away after about 15 minutes of moving around, but still, it’s an undeniable sign of age.

Grey hairs that once freaked me out, no longer even get a second look.  They’re there, I know it, and there’s nothing I can do about it.  It’s just a matter of time before my receding hairline takes care of that problem anyway. 

My knees make weird noises sometimes when I walk up the stairs.  That’s new.  I’ve accepted the fact that I wear glasses.  Contact lenses are still great for the rare occasion that I do anything remotely athletic, but aren’t worth the hassle otherwise.  I am who I am, I like who I am, and if you don’t like me, that’s your problem, not mine.  I wear a tie 5 days a week.  I know how to cook a turkey now.  Couldn’t say that 20 years ago.

If there’s garbage that has blown onto my front yard, I notice that now.  20 years ago I never would have even thought about it, but now I want to hunt down whichever inconsiderate neighbour didn’t have enough common sense to secure their garbage on a windy garbage day, tie that garbage to a rock, and throw it through their front window.  That’s what I want to do.  What I actually do however is leave it there for several days to see if it will blow off my lawn and into someone else’s lawn, and if it hasn’t done so by the next garbage day, I’ll pick it up and include it with my garbage, wondering why I hadn’t just done that a week ago.

Kids seem dumber these days.  I don’t understand them.  They have so much, yet they appreciate so little.  They wear their clothes funny.  They expect things, but aren’t prepared to earn them.  Is this really the generation I’m going to have to rely on to take care of me in my golden years?  That scares me.  How are they ever going to be prepared for the “real world” when they’ve grown up being handed everything on a silver platter, cannot be adequately punished for bad behaviour, and cannot be given a failing grade in school even though they deserve it?  That’s not real life.  In my day things were very different.  Oh Jesus, I just said “In my day…”, that’s not good.

I am no longer immortal, and though I plan to be here for at least another 40 years, I know that someday there won’t be another tomorrow.  I’ve lost close family members, but I’m still here, so I better make the most of it.  If what they taught me as a child in Sunday School was correct, I’ll see them again someday.  I truly hope so.  I’m thankful for what I have, not remorseful over what I’ve lost.  People talk about saving for retirement at my age.  Save what for retirement?  Money?  Travelling?  Retirement is a tomorrow that may or may not come.  Of course I’ll plan ahead just in case, but I’m here now.  Now is what counts.  If I can do it now, I will.  If I can have fun now, I will.         

I watch the news now, intentionally, and actually pay attention.  I don’t have a job, I have a career.  Staying awake past 11pm is sometimes a chore, and sleeping in on a weekend past 9am is a rare treat.  I don’t count how many beers I’ve had in order to brag about it, I count how many beers I’ve had to make sure I make the right decision when it’s time to go home.  You will not find any references to my after-school job at Valu-Mart on my resume.  All-inclusive resort vacations no longer interest me, I want to see the world, not the bottom of a cup.  I don’t call anyone “Mr.” anymore. 

As a teenager we think we have the world figured out, but the truth is, we don’t know jack!  We reach our mid-20’s and realize the world is a much bigger place than we ever imagined.  In our 30’s our eyes finally open, and we learn to understand just how little we actually knew back then.  We laugh at our former selves, not with regret, but with humility.  When we reach 40 we have a new respect for life.  We’ve experienced a lot by now, and are getting ready to enter the prime years of our business careers.  Is this the age when we finally get a handle on life, and what it means to be alive?  I think I have a pretty good idea, but then again, maybe I don’t.  I imagine there’s a 60 year old somewhere reading this laughing at me, thinking “Nice try kid, come speak to me in 20 years”.  I look forward to seeing what the next 20 years will bring, but I’m in no hurry to get there.  I’m having too much fun right now, and really, isn't that the point?

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Things People Say

Without even thinking, we all have these little reactionary sayings we blurt out at the appropriate time almost like a defence mechanism protecting us from awkward situations, but not accurately expressing how we truly feel.  I know you know what I’m talking about.  Here are just a few examples:

Have a nice day!  Translation:  I’m done talking to you, and I really don’t care what you do, as long as you do it away from me.

Happy Birthday!!  Translation:  Where’s the cake?  This means we’re having cake, right?  What, no cake?  Pfft… then I don’t care.

Oh, it’s ON!!  Translation:  It is so not on.  People say this when they just got burnt or embarrassed for whatever reason, and in an attempt to save face, they say such ridiculous things such as “Oh, it’s ON!!”, failing to realize that everyone around them knows all too well that they are not going to do anything in retaliation, thus only compounding the humiliation further.

Hey Chief, how’s it going?  Translation:  I’m going to be polite to you, but I have no idea who you are.  If we did ever meet before as it appears you are claiming based on the expression on your face, clearly I was so unimpressed with you that I didn’t feel remembering your name was a priority.

Enjoy your vacation!” to co-worker.  Translation:  Yeah, you better run!  I can’t believe you left me with all this paperwork to do!  You knew you were going away, why didn’t you deal with it you lazy SOB!  I hope you choke on a pina colada.

You gave it your best  Translation:  Oh my God that was horrible!  In what world do you live in that makes you think you could even pull that off?  I’m embarrassed to know you right now.

Happy Holidays!  Translation:  Sorry Jesus, I am a weak, weak person who lets political correctness get in the way of what I really want to say.

That looks great on you!  Translation:  If I say what I’m really thinking, it may impact our friendship, so I’m just going to say this, and try to change the topic as quickly as possible so that I don’t accidently utter something I might regret.

It’s okay, don’t worry about it  Translation:  It’s not okay, I will remember this forever, and I will get my revenge if it’s the last thing I do!  I will hunt you down bitch!!

That random blog thing you do is great!  Translation:  You are my hero, and everything you say is bang on.  Thank you for putting my feelings into words, and for being so handsome.  You should be paid a lot of money to do this, you are so incredibly awesome!

Friday, October 5, 2012

Thanksgiving Dinner

It’s Thanksgiving weekend and all through the house
Decorations are everywhere thanks to my spouse
Turkeys and pumpkins, some Halloween stuff too
A cornucopia of clutter forever within my view

Family is forever, and that’s what I fear
To get through this weekend, is gonna take a lotta beer
Children running and screaming, making all kinds of noise
Parents throwing up their arms, figuring boys will be boys

Four or five hours, turkey takes a long time to cook
Maybe those frozen dinners deserve a second look
I’m hungry God dammit, when can we eat
I want to dig in, and fill my belly with meat

Mashed potatoes, gravy, and don’t forget the stuffing
Am I really full already, or is my stomach just bluffing?
I eat more regardless, until I can’t move
Music is playing, but I’m in no shape to groove

Is it hot in here or is it just me, I’m starting to sweat
My poor stomach aches, full of turkey and regret
The table is cleared, turkey carcass waves goodbye
My mother-in-law yells from the kitchen, "Who wants some pie!"

Of course I say “I do”, fighting that feeling of doom 
Thinking a burp and a fart would sure help make some room
But we’re all sitting at the table, alas I cannot do that
Just have to sit here and moan, “Oh man, I feel fat!”

Still I am thankful, and for that I can boast
It’s people, not things, that matter the most
I’m a pretty lucky guy, despite all my rants
Happy Thanksgiving to all, put on your stretchy pants!

** Disclaimer:  This of course does not reflect in any way whatsoever the wonderful family members that I will be visiting this weekend.  Any resemblance to actual family members is purely coincidental!