There I was, innocently eating my lunch, when along came Smacky Jones, who upon scanning the room, decided to sit directly behind me. I don’t know if Smacky Jones was his real name, but one thing I know for sure, he quickly broke into my list of Top 5 noisiest eaters I’ve ever had the misfortune of encountering.
I don’t know why the sound of other people eating irritates me as much as it does, but it does. At least if people chew with their mouths closed, I can tolerate them, but Smacky Jones was not a closed mouth chewer. No, Smacky Jones had apparently never learned table manners at all, and almost appeared to be flaunting that fact. If Honey Boo Boo had a secret older brother, so unrefined and unable to live up to the high etiquette standard of that family, who if America even knew existed would bring shame upon Mama and Sugar Bear, Smacky Jones would be that brother.
Bite after bite, sip after sip, the sounds travelled, making it feel as though he was mere inches away from my ears. I was left helpless, unable to defend myself against the sounds of chewing, and the gradual moistening of food in his mouth. Each smack of his chops, and each slurp of his lips caused my back to seize up tighter, my eyes cringing in disgust.
I’m not a violent person, but I must admit, thoughts of a Smacky Jones shaped hole after I threw him through the plate glass window went through my head. Alternatively, I would not have felt the least bit remorseful had a large black ACME anvil fallen suddenly from the sky, landing directly on top of his open-mouthed head, or if in his wild feeding frenzy, he unknowingly ingested a large stick of dynamite, which upon exploding, left his mouth saliva-free, unable to produce the noises that were bothering me so.
Alas this is not a cartoon, this is real life, so I got up, and with a quick “Meep Meep!!”, left Smacky Jones to scarf down the rest of his lunch, well beyond the range of my hearing.